Tuesday, December 11, 2012

You Can't Spell CRAP Without APE (And an E)

ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES is no mere escapist fare, people. (See what I did there?) It is a trenchant polemic on such issues as simian time travel, simian abortion, simian sexuality, and Ricardo Montalbon wearing tight circus pants. I'd like to see you escape that!

Our story begins when three astronauts crash land off the coast of California. The "astronauts" then remove their helmets to reveal that they are... gasp... actors with ape masks! I mean, uh, apes. This is shocking to exactly no one, except maybe those who have watched the film while in a coma. And you don't know who you are.

One of these typical ape-out-of-water movies, ESCAPE follows Cornelius and his uppity Finnish wife Zira as they learn the ways of the humans by attending parties at Studio 54 and dropping their car keys into a common bowl. Cornelius winds up getting stuck with the hairy ape woman, to his extreme disappointment. Everyone laughs at him.

Dissolute and bored with movie acting, Cornelius then starts his own nudie magazine. He says the word "cooze" far more than we are comfortable with.

Meanwhile government types argue whether 'tis moral to alter the future and kill Hitler's baby, something like that, blah blah blah. One thing is for certain, humans are worse than apes for the simple reason that humans made this movie. You apes can shit in your hands and throw it at us all day and it'll never be as bad as this.

The antagonist is played by a TV actor-type more suited for Planet of the Rockford Files. He desperately tries to escape the set, but the press will not let him. They pepper him with questions about which soap opera will he be on in the future but he has no definite answer because he is too lazy to look it up on IMDB. He's never heard of himself anyway.

It all ends happily with Cornelius and Zira running off to join the circus. Or Fantasy Island. Either way, the film decisively ends the series, so there'll be no more of that, eh?

What? I've just been told there are TWO MORE of these fucking things! Jesus God. Were they having a sale on rubber masks back in the seventies?

Anyway, I guess I'm forced to watch them now. FORCED.

Pray for mojo.

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