Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hella Barbarella

Today's stag film is BARBARELLA. Not, unfortunately, about Hitler's invasion of Russia, but instead a movie meant to severely test the viewer's Groovy Quotient. I give it an Out Of Sight rating. Minus.

The plot consists of Hanoi Jane stripping out of and into various cabaret outfits meant to give Art Linkletter impure thoughts. After doing a zero-gravity striptease that fell tragically short of sending blood thudding into my very limp penis, Jane Fonda takes her commie acting to a planet made of crushed velvet and naugahyde beanbags. There she meets some BDSM weirdos.

Hey, her pluckiness is only surpassed by her fuckiness. (Why didn't they ask me to write the tagline?)

Then, after playing peekaboo with her helmet...

she meets a blind angel who has inexplicably wandered away from a Wim Wenders film.

The two of them exchange quasi-existential dialogue before Barbella gets attacked by bitey dolls and then is strapped down into a musical instrument designed by H.R. Pufnstuf. Or Matthew Barney. The music composed upon Fonda's erogenous zones consists of Chuck Mangione, kooky percussion, and is just a glockenspiel short of a cantina scene.

Barbarella then escapes only to find herself in a... uh, whuzzuh?

By the end our heroine is looking far and wide for the closing credits. They can't come soon enough!

Post-movie, as everyone knows, Jane Fonda went on to join the B-52s while her vindictive boyfriend, Ted Turner, paid the U.N. to uncolorize the movie as revenge, though he failed in his sinister plot. American History: It's Fantastic. 

1 comment:

  1. Barbarella, Barbarosa...it's all a Sid and Marty Kroft production