Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Hey, have you ever watched a movie and wished you hadn't? If you haven't, then ESPACIO MUERTO is the perfect movie for you! Hell, if nothing else you'll learn some Spanish (from looking at the poster).

The tagline is "In the coldness of space... even Hell freezes over."

I can't help thinking this terrible movie failed because of its terrible tagline. Being a great guy, I've decided to offer some better taglines as a public service:

"In space no one can hear you fart."

"In the cold empty nothingness of space nothing can be heard or felt or done... at all."

"In the cold chilly brrrr-brrrr freeziness of space no one can act."

"Together, they took the most dangerous chance of all... they fell in love. And then got eaten by a giant, raging, space monster."

Our movie--called DEAD SPACE for you gringos--is about a virus that grows from a container of spoiled holiday jello.

The actors pause pregnantly throughout each scene, as if waiting for the director to say "Cut!" or "Kill them!" Realizing that no matter how much they ponderously pause they must say the next line of dialogue, they send a distress signal to their various agents--but instead it's answered by a cool guy and his sex robot.

The virus, as viruses are wont to do, starts to grow teeth.

Then the teeth grow a derivative latex monster around it.

The monster, as monsters are wont to do, scurries around in the air vents and pops out at people when they try to have space sex. That's right, the monster is one of those abstinence nuts. Get your xenomorphic talons off my reproductive parts, bub!

Bryan Cranston plays the conflicted Hamlet at the heart of this morality tale. For his pains, he gets his head ripped clean off. Alas, poor Yorick!

I guess you could say this movie was "Aching(ly) Bad."

So what have we learned? Don't let your holiday jello spoil--or else a terrible movie will happen!

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