Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Error Within

THE TERROR WITHIN is a movie so bad that only tweaking an eight-ball could help me get through it. Unfortunately, I only know how to use drug lingo not actual drugs. Can someone  please help me? At least bogart my urban dictionary?

The movie stars George Kennedy as he tries, and fails, to keep his denture plate firmly in place.

Everyone wears name badges, which is as deep as the characterizations get. One person is "Andre." Another is "David." And so on. The plot concerns said named crew as they get chased around by some guy in a rubber latex suit. The monster, cleverly known as a "gargoyle," also has issues with malocclussion and overall bad teeth--maybe because it's a British monster? High five.

The black guy (played by a tweaked-up Eddy Murphy) is the first to go. I mean, would we as a society have it any other way??

The gargoyle starts killing off all the non-essential characters. That is, all of them. At last we get the obligatory scene where the gargoyle rapes the pretty lady, and she has an abortion. (Insert yet another legitimate rape joke here.)

Then it's up to the poor man's David Hasselhoff to save the day.

He doesn't. But he gets off a few quips like, "Adios, motherfuckers." And, "Be careful out there." And, "Let's get the hell out of here." And, "It's risky, but we don't have much choice." And, "Did anyone see Cop Rock last night?" Etc.

At the end, the gargoyles are blown up in a scene that would have hit the cutting floor of a 8th grade science lab project. (Huh?) In a shocking twist, the final shot reveals the gargoyles to now be affixed to my old high school's building.

So stay in school, kids, or you'll wind up in movies like this. And that, reader, is the true TERROR WITHIN.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't the poor man's David Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff?