Phun With Photos, and Other Phallic Phollies

After Mom's hip surgery, there were many things we had to do. One of them was measure Bingo's penis. 

"Chris!" I yelled. "Have you measured Bingo's penis yet?"

We were at his house. Mom was rehabbing there, since she thought it would be funnier. You can never question Mom's comedy instincts.

"Why are you measuring Bing's penis?" Mom asked weakly. She was in an opioid haze, lying under blankets on the couch. "What's happening? Bing...?"

"Nothing to worry about, Mom. Let the medical authorities handle this. Just relax. Are you dry?"

"I'm dry. Just a little damp."

"Okay. Partial credit."

"Will you order me some food? Maybe KFC? I want a bucket of chicken. I'm so hungry."

"A bucket? How about I order you the tremendo-vat? Will that work? And, are you dry?"

Mom smiled, face peeping out from her blanket. "That sounds good."

I went over to Chris in the other room. He was crouched on the floor by the dog, wrapping a tape measure around Bingo's waist. And penis.

"Hey," I whispered. "I think Mom needs to be changed."

Chris groaned. "Here, grab this end."

"That's a good boy, Bingo," I said. "And whatta boy! What's the reading? Ten inches? A yard? Looks like we have the John Holmes of canines."

"Now we can get Bingo the right size diaper."

"So Bingo needs to wear a diaper, too?"

"It's more of a sympathy diaper."

Mom couldn't go home yet for a plethora of reasons, but mainly there was no toilet or walls or floors or interior as workmen were taking her house apart, stick by stick. Amid the destruction, we found heaps of things crammed in closets. Four iPads, four fitbits, digital cameras, Bose headphones, and a partridge in a pee tree. Mom had given up the minimalist lifestyle long ago, apparently. We also found several boxes of old photos. To cheer Mom up, I sat next to her and went through some of them. Many were in black and white. And of people I had no idea who they were.

"Who is this? Who are all these people?"

Mom put down her Cheetos and Coke. "That's your uncle Henry. And that... I'm not sure who that is."

"Probably a roustabout. Or the town drunk."

"Why does everything have to be a joke with you?"

"Well, Mom, this is how you dressed me for, I assume, Halloween."

"Hyucka. And here's Gummo, my sidekick!"

"These old photos always have something mysterious in them. Like what is the object on the lamp table? A tumbler? A rune spell box of unspeakable evil?"

"Enhance, damn you!"

Any ideas? Feel free to leave your crackpot theories in the comments.

"I guess you can see my destiny in these old photos. Except I'm missing the tear."

"But I don't wanna be a tiger."

And, of course, another mystery object curled up(?) in the background. An animal? A blanket? 

"Eraserhead baby??"

But, wait, there's more! How about this one, where our favorite corporal punishment objects come into view, molding young boys into scared boys.

"If there are more giant Tinkertoys in this present, I'm going to cry."

What the hell is on the wrapping? Is it a bear with a hat? And what's being spelled out? HELP?

"Yogi Bear? S T U N t??"

Oh the jolly Christmases we had!

"Hoppity hop! Demonic with joy??"

The mystery object isn't hard to figure out. But did I really need a watch to keep up with my busy day and all my appointments??

"Where be my gold cufflinks?"

Bingo waddled into the room, appropriately wadded and puffy.

"Looks like Chris managed to get Bingo's penis stuffed into the diaper. Good for him!"

"Bing, come over here," Mom said tragically. "Oh, he looks sad with his diaper on. Can't we take it off during the day? Please?"

Chris crossed his arms. He said: "No."

"His house, his rules, Mom. Phew. Uh... I think Bingo wet'ums. Seems like he needs to be changed already...?"

Chris bolted from the room. But it was no problem as Mom had Bingo cradled in her arms and was gently cooing and removing his gooey diaper. Bingo burped.

"Ahh," I said, nodding. "Now this is family!"

Thanks for playing along, everyone! Whoever gets the most guesses right will win a prize of me coming to your house dressed as a clown.