In these challenging times I've been struggling to put food on the floor, mainly because of my bad back. Does anyone have one of those back braces that helps you spray food into your mouth? No? Is this thing on? Anyway, speaking of food and mouth, I met Mom at the local Perkins where we created blog magic.
Mom set down her menu. "I don't want to be burned," she said.
"They burn food here, Mom. Not that it makes it any more edible."
"After I die, I don't want to be burned. I talked to your great-aunt Enid."
"O-okay."
"She belongs to the Neptune Society. Do you know what that is? It's where they come get your body after you die and they burn you in a field somewhere."
Mom made a face.
"Please don't burn me in a field somewhere. Will you promise me that?"
"Okay, I'll try. But, ah, you know you'd probably be dead when they burn you?"
"I don't care. I don't want to be burned or cremated. Will you promise me?"
"I think I'll have the flame-broiled whopper. Looks tasty."
"Ever since I was a little girl I haven't wanted to be burned. After I watched Quo Vadis, and people were being burned in it. I hated it."
"Well, were they being burned at the stake?"
"Yes."
"But you'd be dead. And not on a stake."
"Promise me."
"Okay. I promise. And now can we talk about anything else beside our flesh melting in all-consuming flame?"
"I don't know. What else is there to talk about?"
"I'm sure there must be something. Are the fritters good here?"
"I was up all night last night, you know. I couldn't sleep. So I watched some of that Steinfeld show. I never liked it. Who is that bald short man?"
"That's George Costanza. He's actually based on someone famous. You know him, he's...?"
"George Costanzer? Who is he?"
"Costanza. He plays someone. Jason Alexander is the actor. He's an actor and singer on Broadway in real life. He didn't like the character all that much."
"The singer? From Broadway, that's George Costanzer?"
"No, the actor. He's playing someone... The singer, but he's based on someone else who..."
"Jason Alexanzer?"
"What? No, he's just the actor who plays George Costanza. And he's based on..."
"Jason Alexanzer."
"No! He's playing someone, not himself."
"He's not himself. The singer on Broadway?"
"No, that's the actor."
"The actor is the singer. But who is George Costanzer? He's the bald man?"
"Yes. And he's played by Jason Alexander. And he was based on someone you know. He's..."
"The singer."
"No! I'm sorry I mentioned that. Forget about Broadway. I just mean..."
"Who was on Broadway?"
"What was on second base."
"What?"
"Never mind. I was just saying the character George Costanza was based on someone you know, someone famous now, but he wasn't then. He was..."
"The singer on Broadway?"
"No! It's someone you know. Not personally. He's a comedian. His name is...?"
"Jason Alexanzer."
"Forget it. Are we getting the hoagie sandwiches today, or what?"
"Anyway, I don't like Steinfeld."
"Mm. On a lighter topic, Pat is thinking of moving to Missoula. But he researched what the city is like and he learned there are seven Messianic Jewish temples there. It's a problem because he won't be able to restrain himself from attacking any Messianic Jew he comes across. He really hates Messianic Jews. And so, uh, he must attack them."
Mom looked off at the entrance. "That man is huge. Did you see him?"
"It brings up an uninteresting dilemma, since Pat is Jewish also. Would he have to sue himself for discrimination? After he beat up the Messianic Jew, would they both run to the nearest Anti-defamation League's office?"
Our orders came, we ate, and then we made our way out through the Felliniesque carnival to the cashier.
"Are you going to tell me who Steinfeld is based on, or not?" Mom said.
"It's Larry David," I said. "But it's the character George Costanza who actually..."
"And he was a singer on Broadway."
"Oh, Jesus."
A grease fire had broken out in the kitchen. I walked into, bidding the world farewell.
"Is it bad in there?" Mom said.
My thumbs-up emerged from the all-consuming fire.
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