Sheryl had just passed by me. I was shelving holds, and she was, as usual, talking to herself. I felt the need to stop her.
"Jesus won't fuck you, Sheryl. It's against his religion."
Sheryl looked at me blankly. Then she went on, muttering about a funky chicken. Sheryl has worked at Ruby Creek for thirty years. Thirty long, jesus-fucking years.
Justkidding came by. She wanted to know what was going on. And if Sheryl was mad at her.
"No, she's just mad at the world. And Jesus, I guess."
"I'd be mad, too, if I had to work here as long as her."
"Who knows, maybe you'll be eighty and still working here."
"Oh, no, I'll be dead by then." Justkidding looked at her phone.
"Don't be so sure. By then we'll all have robot parts. In fact, they'll probably just download you into your phone. There you'll be, looking out from your screen, screaming in a tiny voice, trapped forever in your phone."
Just then two little people toddled around us and sang.
"What do you get when you live on your phone?
Glued to social media until you look like Cindy Scone?
Why care how your number of Twitter followers grew?
When it looks like the internet just downloaded-- You!!"
They continued singing and toddled away in a fade. Justkidding looked after them.
"Are those the new shelvers?"
"I think," I said. "It helps with our diversity, yes?"
Justkidding frowned at her phone, walking away. She had just lost another follower: me.
It was Coraline's last day. She was curled with her notepad, writing her mystery novel. The new shelvers looked at her, and then began a merry song.
"What do you get when a person doesn't do their job?
What do you have when a person has the personality of a doorknob?
While it's fine to write the same chapter for your who-
Dun-it but, fuck, someday you have to start chapter two!
Todd came over. He had fliers for the new Kanopy streaming service. He looked down at the chair where Coraline had been sitting.
"What's this doorknob doing here?"
"The new shelvers turned her into a doorknob. You know, to teach us all a lesson."
"Good for them! It's about time the shelvers did something around here."
Then they toddled around Todd and sang.
"What do you get when someone is more beard than man?
Doesn't sound like a very good plan!
Who do you blame when someone eroticizes hemp?
Take it from fellow glove wearers: your time on earth is only as a temp!
Jonah came over.
"Don't tell me. The new shelvers turned Todd into a big wad of plastic to teach him a lesson. Of some sort."
"No, that was just there. They turned Todd into a creature of pure light. See, there he is, softly glowing by the DVDs and encouraging people not to check out plastic."
The shelvers waddled over to Jonah. And sang.
"What do you get when a man looks like Martin Starr?
It doesn't seem he'll get very far!
While it's fine to parse a dialectic,
People get sick of your tired shtick!
I shook my head over the smoking copy of Hegel. Poor Jonah. He finally got what he wanted--and yet it was so ironic! Just then Sheryl came by having an animated discussion with herself about Jesus fucking and funky chickens. I turned to the new shelvers.
"Did you...?"
They shook their heads. Shrugged.
I guess she's just like that.
Doopety da!
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