INT. RUBY CREEK LIBRARY - CHILDREN'S AREA - DAY
JUSTKIDDING, 29, an alluring Haitian goddess with mansoneyes, watches over children in the children's area.
She sees GREG, 52, who could be a game show host, politician, actor, news anchor or jackass, come her way. He is with JUSTRON, 28, a David Blaine wannabe and depraved dishwasher wrecker. As they come closer, she hides behind the puppet show.
JUSTRON
It's over here. Someone told me a kid peed here.
GREG
(smirking)
Do I look like the goddamn pee police?
LIBRARY PATRONS look around, gasp, hats fly off heads.
GREG
(CONT'D)
(beat)
Nothing to see here, folks. The HVAC people will
be fixing the A/C any day now.
(he rubs an ice cube in his armpit)
A three-year-old CHILD, 3, in a diaper and bonnet screams.
JUSTRON
(flails about like the Nutty Shelver (coming soon))
That's it! The pee thing!
GREG
All right, let's bring it in for questioning...
Beat. Just then JUSTKIDDING appears from behind the puppet show. She vamps and scowls and makes many unnecessary gestures.
JUSTKIDDING
That's no way to treat your child, Greg! It's time for you to
learn a lesson!
GREG
(whirls around, flashes his perfect teeth, gorgeous body)
What? My child?
JUSTKIDDING
Isn't that your kid?
GREG
No! Wait, is it?
JUSTKIDDING
Now I will put a voodoo curse on you!
She closes her eyes and busts at the seems in her overly tight librarian dress as she folds a picture of Greg and the child together, melding them origami-style, as learned in Mark Booger's twice weekly class, into one symbol - two arrows intersecting each other and curving to point in the same direction.
JUSTKIDDING
(CONT'D)
(continues chanting in thick Creole)
What must now pass, will pass
If it is gas, oh well...
Electricity shoots out from all the sockets and the laptops of the homeless and wraps GREG and PEE CHILD in a cocoon of hideous writing and glowing voodoo magic. When the smoke clears, GREG is now the CHILD, and the CHILD is now GREG.
TALKING PIE
(cooling)
I'm going back in time. For some reason!
JUSTKIDDING watches gleefully as anarchy breaks out. LIBRARY PATRONS run around, BOOKS flap pages and poop on screaming CHILDREN and chase scenes happen.
GREG
(beat. looks at hands in amazement)
Oh, no! Now I'm fwee years old!
And now I know what it's like to be someone else!
I FUCKING GET IT!!
PEE CHILD
(confused)
No, dummy, I'm Greg. You're the little kid,
but in a man's body. Come on. Let's stay focused.
Writing is hard, I know, but...
GREG
(sees JUSTKIDDING)
Hey! You did this! Come on! Give me my body back!
JUSTKIDDING
Sorry, it's a Haitian curse! Which means it will wear
off only if you learn a lesson about being nice and stuff!
PEE CHILD
Line!
GREG
(pees)
Uh-oh. Donovan isn't going to like this...
TODD,47, bearded and JONAH, 28, Hegelian come into the scene. JONAH has pie filling on his face.
JONAH
(eating)
Mmm! Has anyone tried the talking pie? It's delicious!
And talkative!
PEE CHILD
Jonah! Todd! You two have to listen to me! I'm under the
curse of an alluring Haitian woman.
TODD
(wears gloves)
What do you want my beard to do about it?
Just then ZANI, 67, copper haired Medusa comes into the scene. She holds out her long, bony, cold fingers for TODD, trying to run them through his beard.
TODD
(CONT'D)
Whoa, whoa, woman! Are you
sexually attracted to me, or what?
ZANI
Sorry! You look like Chairman Mao with
that big beard! Right, everyone?
LIBRARY PATRONS
(boo lustily)
BOO!
EVERYONE stops to look at GREG who is sitting in a corner, chewing his thumb, holding his pee area and softly weeping.
JUSTRON
Be careful, everyone. That's not Greg!
It's really a child because of the voodoo!
GREG
(confused)
What? No, Justkidding changed me back a
few minutes ago. I just needed a break. And I
like to hold my pee area.
JUSTRON
Well? Did you learn lessons, and stuff?
GREG
Ehn.
EVERYONE looks at JUSTKIDDING. She shrugs.
JUSTKIDDING
I was just kidding!
FADE OUT.
(RECOMMEND!)
I am mystified.
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