On Deadly Ground Beef

Steven "Mr. Saturday Night" Seagal goes full Breen, but only half retard, in today's Movie Minute, ON DEADLY GROUND.

"Environmentalism through blowing shit up."

Seagull plays Forrest Grump, an amazing man who is amazing, as the dialogue tells us over and over. Indeed, with his insouciant, sullen charm, ground beef good looks, Grump is the epitome of Grumpy Bear, Marlboro Man, Macho Man, and Mickey Mouse all delectably alliteratively rolled into one required romp sure to please the whole family as Grump knifes baddies in the throat ha ha.

"Who wants some of my penile extension?! You, punk?!?"

The man who deserves the cold blade of Seagal's love is Britain's answer to the Beatles--

"Oi, guv'nor, I'm Michael Crane!"

But first Grump has to prove his infinite toughness in a bar by playing touchy-grabby with the local tough guy leather daddy.

"You like bears, huh? Aw yeaahhh."

The plot moves along like the Alaska winter: tough, fair, and whiskery.

"I ain't afraid of no rolly coaster! Arrgh! MY BALLS"

After Grump's dear old friend humorously dies, Grump starts kicking everything in sight. Man, women, children! Are you not entertained??

"Die, Serpico! WHOO HAAA!"

Grump then meets a wise Chinese woman who takes pleasure in appropriating Native American culture. It's an ancient Chinese secret!

"Please don't make me kiss you."

Meanwhile Michael Crane hires a broat and sails off to make the other seventy-three movies he is contractually obligated to make that year. His agent is DAMN good.

"Get me Myron Selznick. That you, My? You're fired!"

Everyone loves Steven Seagal in the movie, which accurately reflects real life quite faithfully.

"I have ALL the medals."

In the end, Grump tells us that politicians are corrupt and that he has the corroborating files on national AND international secrets that will shock you.

"Can we add a few more mics? Where are the Penny Saver reporters? 

Is that you, Candace? No, not the stupid Thrifty Nickel!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Just kidding.)