When You Leash Expect It

We were having lunch. Mom looked around expectantly.

"You know," she said, "there are elderly people at Cringe West who have little dogs, even puppies! And they have a walking service, so I wouldn't even have to be in danger of tripping headlong over my dog. Mm? Mm?"

Apparently it was election season. Mom was campaigning for a puppy doggy of the canine kind. She wanted to have one. But there were certain factions *cough Brazilian cough* who were opposed to the idea. Soon a nation would decide. Democracy was on the brink. Would there be a meltdown?

"Well, I'm voting no," Chris said, after Mom's fundraiser was over. "I think she should get a cat."

"Go ahead," I said. "Throw your vote away. She'll never get another cat. Besides, a vote for a cat is just a vote for a dog. Don't you understand?"

"No, I don't."

"I mean, Mom would probably wind up just getting a six-month-old Corgi mix. Something like that. Right? But she's got my vote, despite not caring for her economic policies."

Chris thumbed through dollar bills in his wallet. "Look. Here's a one. No, two. There you go. Three dollars. Vote NO on Mom. Getting a dog."

"Isn't that corrupt?"

"Yes."

Votemongering was rampant. Everyone had an opinion. Political action committees formed. Attack ads played. Lawn signs sprouted everywhere.

"How about her getting a blind dog? A non-seeing eye dog? The dog can hold a stick in its mouth, tapping along the sidewalk. Won't that be perfectly poignant?"

"Here. Take a five. Just stop talking."

"Or, hear me out, Mom should get a dog that is actually a dude who needs to learn what true love is!"

"Ugh. Is this another one of your segues into a stupid Movie Minute segment?"

In today's Movie Minute we examine a movie called LOVE ON A LEASH. It's about Air Bud trying to hook up with a beautiful woman who wears green at all times except in promotional posters.

"Lady, please get this rose out 

of my mouth. The thorns are excruciating."

That's right! Starring JANA CAMP! 

"Who am I? Why am I?"

Air Bud runs a high-powered Milk-Bone fund by day...

"How did you get past security?"

And becomes a creep at night...

"Let me pee on your shoes and sniff your butt, my love."

Things get awkward when they try to consummate their forbidden love.

"Okay, more tongue this time. I mean, less tongue."

Thankfully, Jana Camp has a quirky color-coordinated friend who tries to help her out.

"Green and pink, together at last!

 Like chocolate and peanut-butter breath!"

Jana Camp's mom waits in the shadows for her big moment. It doesn't come.

"Yes. More stool softener, please. My address is 55 Guerrero Street."

In the end, an Asian man confesses he's not attracted to Jana Camp in the least. It is the most tender, and by far the most realistic, moment in the film.

"I can't tell if you're acting or not. 

Do you really find me, Jana Camp, repulsive?"

Still tallying the votes. Still too close to call. Will Mom be allowed to have a dog? Vote early and often!