Pencils of Color

"Can I be in your blog?" Todd asked, beard eager.

"No," I said.

"What if I do something crazy?"

"Like how?"

"Like, uh..." Todd looked around. He glovedly held up two DVDs just returned in the bin. "How about how stupid people are? Like this dumbass customer returned The First Purge and also the Mr Rogers documentary." Todd waved the horror DVD and growled as if being purged with extreme purginess. Then he waved Fred Rogers and cooed like a winepressed kitten. "Oo ooo ooo, I'm Mr Rogers. Ooooo ooo."

I fingered my evil facial hair.

"Well?" Todd said. "How's that."

"Other then expertly demonstrating the duality of man, I'll have to pass. Not blogworthy."

"Whatever."

Todd took himself and his beard to the workroom. An hour later, he had something to show me.

"I colored in one of your cartoons with colored pencils. What do you think?"

"Nice contrast of the cools and the filth."

"But what the hell is going on with this thing under the table. Is that another table?"

I held the cartoon close. "Uh... I don't think I ever thought anyone would scrutinize my erotic doodlings so closely. But if I had to say, it's a sex toy. In Braille."

Todd had stopped listening to me--I could see it in his queer eye--and instead he was scrutinizing my ears.

"Your tragus hairs are out of control."

"Yeah," I said, holding my naked ears. "Sorry."

"Bro, listen to me. You have a shit-ton of money. Go someplace nice and get those tragus hairs removed. Laser that shit off. And buy a bamboo cock ring while you're at it. You can afford it!"

"It's not really the expense that's the problem," I said.

"So you're not going to do it?"

"Nes," I said. "I mean, yo."

"Ugh."

Todd stomped off. He came back an hour later with another one of my masterpieces.

"I couldn't color that clown in the back because he's missing clavicles. And anatomy."

"Looks good, though," I said. "The color really brings the plight of the clowns to life."

"Bro, seriously. There's a place near here that can laser your tragus hairs. Come on! You've got the money for it. Pamper yourself!"

"Mm."

Todd stomped off. He came back with another cartoon--the guy was colorizing more than Ted Turner, amirite.

"I tried to color in this cross," Todd said. He extended his pinkie. "But I don't know if it's part of the robe or the badge or what."

"I suppose I didn't do enough research into the Klan."

Justkidding came by. "What's this?"

"Nothing!"

She grabbed the cartoon. "Oh, this is racist. RACIST." She whipped out her phone and took a picture of it. "Now I'm going to blackmail you!"

"Careful," I said. "I think you mean African-American-mail me."

Justkidding walked out of the blog. Todd frowned.

"So I suppose that'll make the blog but not the stuff I do?"

"Look, I believe in affirmative-action blogging."

"Bro, seriously. It would only take an hour to laser your tragus. It would be so easy!"

"Mommy would get mad at me."

"Okay. Never mind. Fuck it. And I don't want to be in your stupid blog!"

"Oh, yeah?" I said as Todd stomped off. "Just for that, you're going in!"

Sweet, sweet revenge, I thought to myself as I caressed my tragus and started writing about Todd:

"Can I be in your blog?" Todd asked, beard eager.

"No," I said.