No Queefing Allowed

In a world where Trump and Tarentino would be dead instantly, no one must make a sound in A QUIET PLACE.

"Shh!"

The movie is... What? Sorry. The movie is... What? Sorry. The movie is super quiet. That is, until someone steps on a nail ha ha.

 

AAAARGGGH! FUUUUCK!! WHAT'S THE SIGN

FOR FIDDLESTICKS THAT WILL REQUIRE

A TETANUS SHOT GODDAMN

Because I am HARDCORE, I watched the entire movie without the subtitles. But then I remembered I don't know sign language. So much for all my many viewings of Children of a Lesser God.

"Shhh. I just put Mom's stapler in the jello."

What? Right, right. Shush my shushy face. Got it. (Jesus. Maybe the guy should just glue his finger to his beard already...)

Anyway, the movie is about a vague alien apocalypse that's straight up a librarian's wet dream amirite. Most horrifying of all is that the remaining humans (4 out of 7 billion) must play Monopoly and struggle not to die of boredom. THE HORROR THE HORROR

"I'll give you two railroads for... ZZZZZZ."

Having quit the paper business and entertainment in general, Jim Halpert battles weird creatures that feast on sound while his face is appropriately muffled with a beard--otherwise the sonic waves of sexiness coming off his face would be too dangerous. 

"Did someone leave a flapjack up there?"

The monsters are ugly motherfuckers, so we know they can't possibly be good. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, Seal."

In battling the monsters rather ineptly, Jim sorely misses his old office buddy Dwight who would have taken care of those pesky monsters with some Brazilian jiu-jitsu or some shit.

"Incorrect!"

The most disturbing part of this film--outside of the gratuitous Monopoly playing--was the baby. Why oh why would someone decide to have a child in such a world?? Did the monsters outlaw abortion or what? Wait... I knew it! The monsters are REPUBLICANS

"Listen to me! I'm not giving you

Ventnor Ave for your two railroads!!"

"Mmmgh you're hurting me, Dad!"

In the end, as Jim makes the world safe for Monopoly again, he brings up the big burning question: Are movie cliches still cliches if they're in ASL?

"Marlee Matlin is a stone fox. Oops, did I sign that?

Sorry, honey, I meant you. You!"

Go ahead and let out your fart, old timer!

"YEEAAAAAAHHH! It was worth it!!"

Todd shook his head. "What a stupid review," he said. "This blog sucks."

Bite me, I signed.