The Hammock District... Of Our Minds

Jonah was hiding from Jeff.

"He's giving me a headache," Jonah said, peering around the wall. "Why does he persist in talking to me?"

"You have a soft, smiling face," I said. "Get hard, like me."

"He's like a cross between Kramer and Gary Busey," Jonah rasped softly. "Is he still out there?"

"Who wants to talk about random topics? COME ON"

Being the leader of our squadron, I marched to the beachhead to do battle. Jeff stood chest-out before the circulation desk, his fluffy paper hair fluffing out from his soiled Antarctic Winter Over 2001 cap, his gray chest hair fluffing out from his button-down shirt. But wait, there's more: his jowls were lathered in white grease, his whole body stank of garlic and other natural herbs and spices, and his gravestone teeth clattered in his unshaven blue mandible as if pulled by some hidden marionette string. And he talked and talked. I pretended to listen, as per usual. But I couldn't stop staring at the geisha makeup on his face.

"Why are you in mime?" I finally said. "Are you busking?"

"What?"

I helpfully pointed out to him how ridiculous he looked. He wildly swiped at his face, rubbing away the white to reveal white skin. Much better!

"I'm going to tell Whole Foods this stuff doesn't work. I mean..." Jeff opened his mouth, extended his arms, shook his head. "This sunscreen is supposed to be organic, it's supposed to be the best... Did I get it all?"

I almost said a word.

"You know, I'm hoping I'm three percent Neanderthal. Have you heard about this? We all have a certain percentage of Neanderthal. The Italians have more than any group in Europe. You heard about that? I might be two. Maybe three. Hey, maybe when the ice age comes again, I'll be ready! Hey, what about the Broncos receiving situation? Jordan Taylor might not make the team. Patrick, this kid, he's phenomenal! And did you see about Levon James telling Trump off? You gotta love that. You heard of this jazz band called The Rippingtons? Great jazz. You like smooth jazz? Hey, I'm writing a movie that'll star Harry Connick Junior and Christina Aguilera. It's about South America. You know, I was down in El Salvador back in the eighties and I met with a lady down there." His voice dropped to a sexy octave; he looked around. "Let me tell you, there are some really sexy ladies down there. You know? You give 'em a little cash, and they'll be your friend. You know? Anyway, the craziest thing. I was in Guatemala buying a thousand hammocks and I ran into her! I had been doing translation work during the war, for both sides. And there she was! A year later. I couldn't believe it." Jeff extended his arms, gestured with his large Neanderthal hands. "It was amazing. Anyway, life is funny that way. Yeah. So. What else? What else is going on?"

I knew I'd regret it, but I had to ask: "Why were you buying a thousand hammocks? Were they having a hammock sale?"

"I was buying the hammocks wholesale. When I got back to the States I sold them on the Sixteenth Mall. I sold them all! Most of them had colors. Red. Green. Blue. Yellow. You know, the colors. And I sold them at a good profit."

"The ol' hammock racket, huh. You probably got in before organized crime did."

"Oh! There's Jonah!" Jeff pointed as Jonah had tried to slip pass the circulation desk. "Hey, one minute, Jonah. Just a sec. You said you get headaches, right?"

"Yes," Jonah said dully.

"I've got something for you! Wait, I'll be right back. And I'll bring the hammock I still have."

"Are we still saying the word hammock?"

"You'll be here? Okay, catch you in a few." Jeff pointed at us as he turned and bow-leggedly went for the exit.

"Jesus," Jonah said. "That guy is..."

"Shh. He's back."

"What!"

"Gentlemen! I have just what you need. 'Erbs and 'ammocks!"

He thrust a dimebag of sage on Jonah. He insisted that Jonah take long lungfuls.

"Breathe in, hold it thirty minutes, and then release."

"Minutes?"

"Seconds! Whatever, you know what I mean!"

Remember: never get high on your own supply

Jonah took a few hits. "Actually, this is helping." He took a few more deep snoots. "Aw yeah..."

"Hey, let me have some of that," I said.

"It's mine. Get away!"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, there's plenty for everyone! And then you can rest in my hammock here. We can string it up. Who wants first?"

White hammock for white people

Jeff finally left. Jonah lowered the bag from his nose.

"He's the worst," he said, pinching his left nostril, and then his right. "But this shit? It gets me nicely high."

"Right on."

Jeff: Both the giver and the solution to all of life's headaches.