I Am Not A Human Being

I was called into the medical lady's office. She had my device for me.

"Gregory," she said. "Are you Russian?"

"Ah, no."

"That's a Russian name, you know."

"Gregor is also that guy's name who turns into an insect."

"What?"

"Nothing."

She started to show me how my CPAP thing would work. Since I had not been sleeping well, I kept yawning and struggling to follow what she was saying. Did she say xhorasho kneeshna?

"Now you try it. Disassemble, and put it back together."

"Da," I said.

She handed me the heap of plastic parts. I clicked the tube into the thingy. No? That's not where that goes. Oh, uh. I locked into place the humidifier, but then I couldn't get it out again. She watched me, a Soviet smile traced on her lips. Wait, I've got it. The elbow tube popped off. The humidifier fell out. The mask fell apart. I clicked, snapped, wrapped tubes, pulled through straps... She finally took it from me.

"Heh heh. I'm on my way."

I got home and settled in for a beautiful night's sleep.

"Mmph. I think the setting is too tight."

It was hard to get adjusted to it.

"Who wants to go for a ride?!?"

Several times in the night I had to get up and check myself out in the mirror.

Come and get me, ladies!!

I finally got some semblance of sleep. And when I woke up I wasn't a giant cockroach, mostly.

"Oh God, I just dreamt I was in a movie called...

shudder... Attack of the Clones!"

Turns out having air when you sleep is important. Huh! So while I may not be as yawning as angrily as before, I still reserve the right to be bored. Very bored.