Friday, July 14, 2017

Fourth Not Strong In This One

Today's Movie Minute takes place in a world where sharks fly out of the sky and continually, savagely attack Z-list actors. This world is also known as "Heaven."

After four movies, it becomes hard to care about taking another breath. It's also hard to keep it... interesting? Is that the English word I'm pretending to look for? Anyway, this new sharknado goes through a refinery and creates... wait for it (zzzz).... an oil sharknado! So instead of a tornado of air, it's a premium unleaded tornado. And it was a movie!

Then, upping its game, the tornado goes through a port-a-potty storage field. This creates a pissnado. The only way it can be defeated is with a giant toilet.

"Did someone say giant toilet?"

The turdnado tenderly brings together actors from every letter of the alphabet.

"You know what? Fuck you."

But wait! There's more!

"I want to have Tommy Wiseau's baby!!"

Most importantly, Ian Ziering is back. He pilots a ragtag pirate ship in an attempt to win back the girl of his dreams (not pictured). 

"Is that Johnny Depp up ahead? HARD TO STARBOARD"

He forgets how bad he is at everything, however.


Typically, the only true heroes are those who strip for money. These brave men (no women, that would be gross) save the day by bouncing sharks off their powerful moneymakers.

"We're going to need a bigger cock." 

You know the movie is good when the best part of it is a gossip columnist who appears for about three seconds in the background. NORM!!

"Is that the black Ghostbuster with Cher?? This is a hot tip!"

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