The Man Beside Me

I was feeling a warm sensation on the side of my face. Like a pair of eyes staring at me...

Eyes that kept staring. Staring.

BORING INTO MY SOUL

I finally looked around. It was Todd. He and his beard didn't look happy.

"Uh... how's it going, h-hooker?"

"I'm mad at you."

Oh Jesus Christ no. "Why?"

"Because you never blog about me. I want to be in your blog!"

"So I have my mom who wants me to announce to everyone that she died just so she can avoid being in my blog--and then there's you."

"Yes! Yes! I want to be in your blog, Greggy! Come onnn!"

"Sorry. I have to blog about Mom. She's been giving Prozac to her dog Bingo, and now Bingo is going to write a tell-all memoir called I Can't Remember My Name-O."

"That's more interesting than me?"

"Oh, and my mom died. Did I tell you?"

A little later Todd came back from his break.

"I just busted a nut," he said.

"Mm?"

"Yeah, I busted open a nut and ate it. Then I came on it." Todd looked around to check if nosy, interfering customers were listening. "How's that?"

"How's what?"

"Will that get me in your blog? Please!"

"No."

Zani came rushing past the desk. "It smells horrible in here! Do you smell that?"

"Yeah, it smells like dick cheese." Todd shot me a look. He fiddled with his crotch. "Mm? Mm?"

"Sorry."

"Oh COME ON! What do I have to do?!?"

"Have you tried farting on a customer? That's always popular."

Todd grunted. Nothing in the chamber, apparently. He went back to reading the interwebs.

"Holee shit. Katie Perry now has 100 million followers on Twitter, more than anyone else. That's insane."

"Didn't she have to apologize for cultural appropriation?"

Todd looked at me. "Okay, Jabba. Dude, seriously, your tongue is hella big. The ladies must love you."

I lifted my hand to scratch my face, but then refrained.

"Anyway, wasn't it because she dressed as Pocohantas in a video?"

Todd swiveled around in his chair. "Dude, stop scratching your face! You're going to make yourself sick. And you need to trim your tragus hair. And you just licked your lips again, Jabba!"

"But is it offensive, I'm wondering? I mean, if you dressed up as Pocohantas for Halloween, would that be offensive?"

"If *I* went as Pocohantas? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Perv."

"You got me."

Todd shouted a laugh, a sonic wave shattering time and space. Customers looked up from their newspapers.

"Sorry. Hey, slunt," Todd whispered. "Will this get me in your blog??"

"No."

"You ding-dong!"

Anyone else have a burning desire to be in my blog?

Huh??

HUH??!