Wait-- I was getting a flashing alert sign on my schedule. We didn't have a reference librarian at the desk for the next hour. Oh, no.
Still, my white mustache was immaculate.
"Karen? We need more help at reference. Stat.
Wait, do airline pilots say stat?"
Another light blinked on the console. I flipped switches. Wait, we're going to need those to land. Meanwhile Jonah was having a crisis. He had told Zani, our substitute librarian, that he was a vegan because he didn't want to eat the masticated bread she had been pushing on him in the break room. Now, with Zani here, Jonah had to act vegan all day!!
More lights. Beeping shit. The thruster just went out in the children's program. There wasn't enough food for all the kids! Now Genevieve had to turn parents and screaming parents away! Thank God my shirt was so crisp! And I better get an Oscar! I mean, a 5.
"Okay, okay, I think I've got this. I had 16 hours
of Crucial Conversations. Come on, shared pool of meaning...!"
The printer wasn't working upstairs. And hungry children were wailing. I raced upstairs, pressed various buttons on the printer, and came down again to find children on fire. It looked like all was lost! But I was a hero. A goddamned hero.
"Okay, now's the time to panic, everyone!
Join me in screaming, on three!!!"
The sign-up table had lost its engine (a teen volunteer)! People needed holds! Hungry! Cupcakes! Story time! Reference shrieked, a hobo wailed, my schedule burst into pixels!
And yet, heroically, I remained calm. I had to. Library souls relied on my steady presence. Jonah asked what he should do, and I told him to keep making jokes!
"Lucky thing I got all my fiber this morning!"
And then the library crash landed on the Statue of Liberty. Something like that. All was saved. Children wept. I hugged myself. Everything was super except I was arrested for impersonating a pilot and a hero.
"Sir! How do you keep your lips so tight?"
This blog post brought to you by Fiber Con.