Friday, March 31, 2017

Library Lexicon

Here's a sampling of definitions to help no one navigate their way around their local library:

CHUCKLEDIE, adj. -- That involuntary sound that gurgles out of your mouth when your boss makes a lame witticism and you feel you must respond.

SHOWTIME, n. -- A state of helpless reminiscence; when employees find themselves talking about a long-gone coworker without wanting to. (See also: LOCK AND LOAD, HBO)

GETTING THINGS DONE v. --  Stretched out dead asleep on the break room recliner under a self-help book. Also known as: Inspiring The Troops!

TEEN VOLUNTEER n. --  They really are getting younger and younger! (And have rather appalling reading habits.)

OPIOID RENEWAL n.  --  When that 97-year-old customer needs to renew her books for the thirtieth time because she has to write a paper. #GetHelp

DAYLIGHT SAVING SYNDROME n.  --  Calling out weeks in advance because an hour will be lost. (See also: TRAGEDY)

PHANTOM OF THE LIBRARY n.  --  To scream and sing alone in the library, thinking no one can hear you--until the customer on the phone in the back room asks what's happening. #SlowClap

HEGELIAN adj.  --  That part of the day when everyone clears out of the break room.

COFFIN n. -- That beautiful fantasy object custom-made for that customer who will not stop coughing. (See also: URGE TO KILL)

RICE A MOANI'S DIARY n. --  When a customer complains about getting inadequate service from a coworker, and then goes on about Renee Zellweger's work. (Hey, at least someone is working...)

LOOK WHO'S FUTILE n. --  Complaining about the absurd number of DVD copies for a particular movie.

FINE WHINING adj.  --  The art of arguing a 60 cent fine. (See also: Wanting a goddamn receipt for returning Bridget Jones's Baby.)

PLASTIC DEATH n. --  A holiday. (See also, My shirts.)

INAPPROPRIATE adj.  --  When customer checks out books for the twentieth time on infertility; your boss yells that the customer is probably jacking off on the books at home. (See also: JIZZ)

WHAT, ME WORK? n. --  When a coworker finally takes your work away and you say, "Oh! But I was about to do that!" (See also: CORALING)

MOTHERPARKER n. --  That patron who storms in to complain about parking.

HOTLINE n. --  Offering to call the mayor about the parking. (See also: ZING)

BEEF SMIRKY n. --  Delicious blogger who thinks he's funny.

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