I was telling Todd about my new retainer that I have to wear every night--this is the mouth device that plumps out my lips and distends my jaw and makes me breathe like a cyborg eating a burrito...
It soo makes me a devil with the ladies. All the many ladies in my bed late at night.
Todd was enjoying my witty, pointless remarks when an elderly Caucasian female in a bronze wig came into the circulation area...
"Uh? Can I help you?"
The perp said nothing, pawing at the prospector holds for several minutes, and then went off again. Todd gave me an outraged look, and I shrugged mildly.
"That's the theater lady. She acts like a volunteer..."
"Well, I have no idea who she is. So I farted on her."
"She was in my space, so I squeezed out some dirt in her general direction..."
I was about to cite Todd for violating the Library Clean Air Act when I was summoned to the second floor. A customer had called our number to complain about someone making "awful" noises. I decided to check it out. Putting on my grim enforcer face...
I went to the conference room to find a Caucasian female in her mid-thirties with a young girl, about 4' 2" and 70 pounds, having a study session.
"Is there a problem?" I said.
"Someone is making grunting sounds...? It sounds sexual. And I just wanted to make sure we were safe."
"No worries, Ma'am," I tipped my library badge. "That's just a patron wildly humping one of our computers. And then getting jizz everywhere. But I'll talk to him."
"Oh, thank you, officer!"
I went over to our computers. The individual in question was an elderly Caucasian man, breathes through the mouth, plays Solitaire. I'd known the perp from previous encounters, having once banned him for having asked one of the clerks if they were "fucking stupid." I gestured at him. The suspect paused in his Solitaire and turned up his hearing aid. A minute later, he was still turning up the hearing aid. Presumably to 11.
"Hello, yes," I said, trying not to give away that I'm small on the inside. "Are you okay?"
"Ehhn uhn. Clearing my throat."
"Okay. Er, carry on."
Should I tell him to clear his throat a little less... erotically? He was very loud with his coughs and wheezes. As I pondered this, walking away, I spotted a body in the stacks. I stopped. Did I just see that? I retraced my steps, and indeed saw an Asian woman, about fifty years old, hair in a topknot, face-down on the floor by the 700s. I went over to her, wondering if I needed to get my chalk. She sat up immediately.
"Are you okay?"
She nodded. Her knot nodded. I nodded knowingly, not naughtily. I went back to my desk to file my many incident reports. Yes, it was all in a day's work at the library.
*quietly sneaks away*