When Things Get Too Sexy

It was just another emergency at the library. I was called over to the reference desk.

"What?"

"That."

R. pointed at the floor. In front of the desk was a pair of lacy black panties. Several of us gathered to stare at it.

"Should I draw a chalk line around it?"

"Who's throwing a panty at me?"

"As we agreed, it's purely a comfort thing."

"My secret is out! Yessssss."

I said one of the four quotations above. Can you guess, dear reader, which one it was? (The answer next week!)

After more heapin' helpings of witty banter, I pinched the pretty panty in my pfingers.

"Ewww!" R. said. "I can't believe you touched it!"

I sniffed at it. And then ran my tongue along the crotch. Just then a customer came up. I looked around the panty.

"Can I help you?" I said (keepin' it classy).

Later, I marched the prurient pantaloon to our lost and found. There Todd, who is our Recycling Gruppkommandant, expressed reservations with my disposal technique.

"You can't recycle that," he said, frowning in his white cotton gloves.

"I'm not recycling it. I'm putting it in lost and... sexy."

"All right, then. But make sure you don't later contaminate the recycling stream with that."

"Mm."

Later we were out in the parking lot. Todd wore his hoodie and had his surf board, his preferred mode of transportation when gutter water was high.

"Whatcha doing tonight, Gee Joe?"

"Not much."

"Don't you want to go out on dates? I'm sure plenty of ladies... and guys... would love to go out with you."

"Ehn," I said. "I keep busy. When things get really dull, I have certain sexual fantasies I like to go to..."

(Rated G for Extreme Greasiness)

Just then some fellow in a beat-up Pinto type car rolled near us. 

"That's the second time someone pulled out in front of me!" the guy yelled to us in a semi-friendly fashion.

Todd turned, scowled. "Maybe you should walk!"

The elderly, ugly man scowled back. "I live on First and Grant!"

"So? You can walk, can't you?"

As the car drove away, the man bravely left us with, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE."

Todd turned back to me, color in his face. "Did he just call me an asshole?"

"And to fuck, as well."

"Anyway... Don't you want to go out and meet someone?"

"Not really."

"Don't you get lonely?"

"No. I have a very special friend that I'll be hanging out with tonight..."

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I."