"Reggie's been stealing boxes of meat from McDonald's!" he said breathlessly.
"Wait. Slow down. I thought his problem was treating women like meat?"
Who is this Jerry, the reader may pardonably wonder? The answer: Jerry is a floating custodian, floatin' around the system. He has a white beard and a hearing aid. He used to wave batons on an aircraft carrier in the Navy while wearing a leather vest and mustache. Back in the day, he used to take Reggie to various gay bars and gayer comic book shops--while Reggie vehemently insisted he only liked the vagina. Uh-huh, sure you did, Reggie.
It turns out Jerry's totally retiring in a week, and just when we were all getting to know him! He's planning on moving to Palm Springs to suck a lot of-- er, to draw caricatures on the beach while sucking cock. Anyway, he couldn't wait to tell me about Reggie's meat.
"He's been stealing boxes of hamburger meat and bacon, and the owner found out about it."
"Wow. Did he get punished by the foreman?"
"Lousy shift supervisor! See if I care about my action plan this year!!"
"Yeah. Meat stealer."
"And they painted over his mural, you know."
"Yeah, he had a mural down in the basement of the main library. He was supposed to do it with me and some of the other custodians, but Reggie just took over and he did the whole thing in pencil. It was of a whale and these two women with their tits just hanging out..." Jerry waved his hands, making the universal sign of tits just hanging out. "They kept telling him he couldn't do nothing like that on the library walls, but he did it anyway. He'd spend the whole day down there, drawing tits with pencils. Finally they told him to stop. Now it's painted over. Nothing left of it..."
"Next you'll tell me someone vandalized his unicorn..."
"Well, I'm gone."
"Wait! Who'll tell me all my Reggie news?!"
"Have you checked the gay bars?" Jerry winked, jauntily shouldering his mop.
And now for our Dan update:
We hired a new librarian! She has big, nose-blowing, loud-pissing shoes to fill, but I think she'll do great. R-- is her name and she was just on the Jeopardy! set, helping a friend out, and she asked Alex Trebek why he was such a jerk all the time, or something to that effect. She's already winner! I mean, who is a winner?
But there was a problem. Karen really liked one of the other candidates we interviewed. He was a man, a precious commodity in libraryland, and he played guitar rather soulfully as he crooned Old MacDonald Had a Farm. Karen thought he was utterly delightful. But he wasn't quite at R--'s level and we had to give the laurel to her. After W-- left his interview, Karen put her head down on the desk, her shoulders shaking.
I thought maybe she was laughing, but I couldn't see what was so funny about a Scottish senior citizen owning a farm when we should be sharing the land equally amirite lol.
"Ooooh, I liked him sooo much!"
Karen was crying.
"Boo hoo hoo hooo! But I know we have to hire R--!"
With her voice bad because of her MS, she sounded like a rusty hornpipe played by a dyspeptic clown.
"Hoo hoo hoo hoo...."
Later, when she had to send W-- the email that told him no, she cried again.
"Boo hoo ho ho hoooo hoooo hooo hooo."
"Good God, woman, don't you know there's no crying in library science?"
I reminded her that Dan was gone, and then we dried her tears and got an ice cream. Just another day on As The Library Turns.
And, Reggie, if you're reading this, don't you steal my meat!!