Karen stood up and showed everyone how to take a shit.
We were having a staff meeting--and what better way to start this blog post?
"She's back, everyone!"
The topic was the weird "bird-hair" lady who comes to the library every day and, presumably, shits. She was a germophobe, not touching anything without using a Starbucks napkin. And then using Dazbog napkins to touch the Starbucks napkins. Donovan our custodian was very upset because he was having to clean up after Bird Lady in the basement restroom.
"She's using the toilet wrong," Karen said.
"How so?" Todd said, arms crossed, hands gloved.
"She faces the wrong way and shits on the front of the bowl."
"She doesn't want to sit on the seat, I guess. So she stands..." This was where Karen got up to make her demonstration. "And she faces toward the toilet. That's when she lets it fly! Ffffscchhh! Fwwppsshhh! Shhheehfhhhhhhhh!"
Karen crouched and waggled her butt.
Karen clenched her fists and face.
"Okay, okay, I think we got it!"
"Anyway, I took pictures of all her crap on the floor..."
"Did it have corn in it?" I said, concerned. "That might have been me."
"And I sent the pictures downtown so we could get her banned. Poor Donovan shouldn't have to deal with that shit. Literally!" Karen shouted a laugh. "So then they banned her. But they reinstated her the next day when she said we couldn't prove it. Even though I had pictures of her crap, there was no evidence that it was from her cloaca. She also said I touched her when I handed her the banned card. Which I didn't. I stood about twenty feet from her and stretched to give her the card...! She also said she's afraid of Donovan..."
"So how do we catch her?"
"I guess we need the CSI: Shit unit to come in. They can do a DNA ANALysis."
"Well, we're having cameras put in downstairs, so we can catch her hopefully," Karen said. "But I want everyone to be vigilant and let me or Greg know if you see her go downstairs."
"Yes," I said, "please let me know when there is illegal shitting in progress. It's what I didn't go to library school for."
After the meeting, we opened the library. We kept a sharp eye for criminal defecators, but the day was slow and regular. Todd and I were at the desk.
"I wasn't expecting Karen to demonstrate crapping at the meeting today."
"Women are weird," Todd said. "I bet you like that stuff, huh."
"You know. All that. Stinky stuff." Todd made a face in his beard.
"You like a smelly... ugh, down there?"
"Sniffed a lot of vaginas, have you?"
"Sorry, it's gross. And what do you do with breasts? Seriously."
"I don't know. You take them out to dinner. You know, they're fun."
"But they're so soft. Yuck."
"I like soft things. Like pillows. My stomach..."
"I like a hard body. That's what's hot. A nice cock."
"No, vaginas are much better."
Just then a customer came to the desk. Todd and I smiled. The customer smiled back.
The Library: WHERE WE KEEP IT CLASSY EVERY DAY