Friday, August 26, 2016

Faith-Based Urinary Tract (Great new band name)

Pulling on his white cotton gloves, Todd emerged from the staff restroom.

"Don't get metal put in your cock," he said to me.

"Copy that."

While fluffing his beard, he told me how his partner had surprised him fifteen years ago by getting a piercing on his *two-tone whistle*. Todd had then run out and gotten the same thing done. Now he was having trouble peeing in the correct, faith-based straight line. He and his partner had to sit down to pee. Usually in tandem, or so is my understanding.

"That's how rebellion usually ends up: sitting on a toilet."

Todd wanted to know who the new contestant on the island was going to be. Now that Dan was blissfully gone, we were hiring a full-time librarian.

"Make sure the new person is FUN."

"Define your terms."

"You know, someone who's... FUN." Todd jerked his hands down, apparently the universal symbol for delightfulness. "A fun person! Someone who's into fun things! And is fun to hang out with! FUN!!"

"What if they're a good, hard worker who shows up every day ready to work hard?"

"But are they fun?"

"Well, they pee in a straight line, for instance."

"Then FORGET IT. I don't want any tools working here like Dan or [other notorious personages]."

"Speaking of fun, I went over to DVP's palatial estate on Saturday night. He was showing off his new settee."


"Yes. I even took a picture so people won't get confused at home..."

"Kroger brand cereal is delicious!"

Todd leaned close to the picture. He scowled, and then pointed at the far lower right.

"Are those plastic cups?"


"Some fun party! Drinking plastic death all night!!"

"Look, just because we all now have pancreatic cancer doesn't mean it wasn't a great evening."


"Besides, one of these days an Iranian terrorist will set off a bomb that will kill horses but cure our cancer."



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