Friday, June 10, 2016

Move Over Jake And Fatman--Here Comes Bingo And The Bathtub Lady!!


I was lifting Mom's new dog, Bingo, when my back went out.

"What's wrong?!"

"Just my lumbago flaring up again."

Bravely grimacing, I clipped the leash to Bingo's collar. Bingo was overweight-o. With a grunt I set fattie back down on the floor.

"Careful! Bingo looks scared..."

"That's his default expression, Mom."

Bingo was a three-year-old corgi/cookie dough mix, with "special needs." Mom explained that Bingo was so cute she couldn't resist. And the liver, heartworm, kennel cough and plumber's butt problems would be worked out over time.

I went out and walked Bingo. As we passed a house, a fat man rocking a white tee and an oxygen tube, pointed at Bingo.

"Thet dog needs to go awn a diet! HAR HAR."

"Thanks!" I waved.

Back at the house I faithfully reported to Mom that a neighborhood lunatic taunted Bingo.

"Did you tell him that Bingo is only five pounds overweight?"

"I don't think he cared. He just wanted to make fun."

"Oh, that's very rude."

"Bingo didn't seem to mind."

As Mom cradled Bingo, she wanted to hear the latest about the library. I told her that Jorel was still on leave because of her hip but Karen had driven by her house and seen a very long extension cord going out from Jorel's house to a utility pole.

"It was coiled on the pole. Karen thinks Jorel is stealing electricity..."

Mom frowned. "Jorel. Is that the bathtub lady?"

"Yes, she's the bathtub lady. Just as Athena was grey-eyed and Achilles was swift-penised. Jorel is bathtub lady."

Apparently Jorel was spending her time off from work fighting the system. First it was the water department, then the trash collectors, and now the power company. She was a big Bernie Sanders supporter, so taking from greedy corporations was only right and good. And yet... was she really risking electrocution or, worse, a hefty fine just to save on her electric bill?

"I started Bible school at the Lutheran church last night." Mom hoisted her giant study Bible.

"Okay, so you no longer go to the Baptist church..."


"Which you went to after you left the Catholic..."


"So where does it end? Are you trying to collect the whole series?"

Like an angel of the Lord with adenoids, Bingo barked.

The door was open and passing by outside was the fat guy with the oxygen.

"Get him, Bingo!!"

Bingo ran for the door, barking and howling. Then, wheezing and coughing, Bingo turned back around. He gave me a sad look.

"Tomorrow we're going on Jenny Craig," Mom said. "But in the meantime..."

Mom flung Bingo a flank steak covered in hollandaise.

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