Friday, April 15, 2016

You Deserve A Reggie Today

My spies told me Reggie was working at the McDonald's on Evans and Colorado Boulevard. Did I shrug and say, "Good for him"? Uh, have you people been reading this blog? COME ON

Shockingly, Reggie was out front smoking a cigarette. He looked at me. And then really looked at me.

"WHAT! I don't believe it!" he coughed-laughed smokily. "I never thought I'd see you again! Come here! Ha, ha, ha!"

"Yes, aren't you lucky."

"I'm retired!"

I looked at his McDonald's uniform. "Are you?"

"Yes, yes! Oh, ever since I left that place it was like a gray veil had been lifted off me! Everything is great now! Ha, ha, ha!"

In inimitable Reggie style, he told me the story about how he quit the library about ten times in the space of ten minutes.

"Letty was there with all her papers and they were ready to chop my head off. Beruke had his clipboard under his arm as we walked to the office and he told me he was sorry and patted my shoulder. So I knew they were going to chop my head off! Ha, ha, ha! But I wasn't going to let them chop my head off! They said some overweight black chick had a complaint against me and they were about to go on--but I cut them off. I quit. I told them, I quit. I walked out. I said farewell. That told them! Ha, ha, ha!"

Reggie strutted away from me.

"That showed them! They tried to cut my head off and the looks on their faces, oh, they were just amazed. Ha, ha! They were all ready to go off on me! But I put them up on a ladder and hit it from below! Ha, ha, ha! They had all these papers and all this bullshit against me and I just said No, let me stop you right there. Where do I sign the retirement papers? And I walked off! I said farewell."

Reggie strutted away from me.

"Ha, ha, ha! So my life is good now. Just so good. Yeah. Mm. My daughter is the general manager of this McDonald's! So I work here part-time, you know, to help her out and I have so much fun! I work in the lobby and I seat people and clean their tables and I get tips...!"

"Wait. You get tips... at McDonald's? Do you also show people the beverage list and recommend the special?"

"It's like you walk into a time machine here! I do things the old way here, people are shocked and they love it! It's like the old days where people are kind and nice to each other. Mm. You know? Ha, ha, ha!"

"But you get tips?"

"Yes, man! What's so hard to believe about that?? Life is so great! I get here at five and pick up the cigarette butts out in the parking lot here," Reggie pointed at the parking lot, "and I leave at one o'clock... Yeah. Mm. My life is great now. And I'm getting so much artwork done. As soon as I left that horrible place, it was like a gray veil was just lifted off me! Ha, ha! I just said farewell."

Reggie strutted away from me.

"Yeah. Mm. And ever since then great things have been happening for me!"

"Like this job at McDonald's."

"Right! Ha, ha, ha! So I get my 750 from the library for my retirement and I get my social security and now I'm making money here!"

"Multiple streams of revenue. You should charge people for seminars."

"And I'm painting unicorns every day! And dudes with muscles!"

"Here, let me take your picture."

"Sure! Make sure to get my McDonald's logo!"

"Uh, right."

 "Come on in! Don't be afraid! I'll wipe down your tables!"

 "I got me some new teeth!"

"And now one of us together for your fans, er, your friends."

Nuts and gum--together at last!

Reggie then walked me over to his 2006 LeSabre.

"You hear that? You can barely hear the engine! It just purrs!"

"I can't hear it over your talking."

"So, life is good. Yeah. Mm. I'm retired. I said farewell. They tried to cut my head off! Ha, ha, ha! Unicorns! Hey, come by and see me! It's so good to see you again, man! Ha, ha, ha!"

Reggie had to get back to crisply tearing open mustard packets for his clients. We hugged, and Reggie laughed with the morning sun shining off his teeth and the smell of frying grease wafting in the air...

Reggie, folks. I hope everyone appreciates what I do for them!

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