Tuesday, January 12, 2016

In Which Jar Jar Abrams Ruins My Childhood

In THE FORCE AWAKENS, Darth Vader has a great line when he sneers at one of the Empire generals:

"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

It's a strong and surprising line coming from a robot. He's complex, he's interesting, he's sad that he's a robot and he wants to be a magical samurai with medieval powers. Just like John Boehner!

Then we meet a plucky young lad who...

"Tell me more about the benefits of xeriscaping, Uncle Ben."


That's the old movie. Sorry, they're easy to confuse.

Sick burns aside, what have we in this new Star War?

For one thing, a new red arm! YEEEEAAAHAHHHHAWWWW!!!

Okay, getting the most important business out of the way, what else is the movie about? Well, it asks the chilling question: what if America lost WWII and Hitler conquered a galaxy far, far away?

Answer: He'd summon his robot minions and scream at them in High German, of course. But, wait, wasn't this done before in a galaxy near, near us?

Yes, fuckers. It was done by an eleven-year-old boy. Let me repeat: AN. ELEVEN. YEAR. OLD. BO--ERRRGH. *cough* (Sorry, choking on my rage...)

Like the little boy I once was, do I still have a twinkle in my eye and a tinkle in my pants?

No. That person drowned in a tragic urine accident.

Speaking of watersports, what's going on between these two?

"You're grabbing something, lady,
but it ain't the right something."

Like a metaphor for ED, there's a big downed star cruiser in the desert. But, like our gay robot friend's red arm, it doesn't have a lot of, shall we say, meaning behind it. What exactly is the story behind this image? 

"Sigh. There went our rutabaga patch. Again."

Why couldn't this movie be about Han Solo and his emotional journey from deadbeat dad to dude spinning off a bridge? Instead we get a bunch of dim bulbs running around from 'splosions and laser guns. Even PewDiePie is sick of it. (I think.)

"I love you!"
"I know--now, DUCK!!!"

People run around a lot. And then there are splosions. And then more running. And the lasers. And the running. Splosions. Running... Did I forget anything?

"My Wookiee got bent AIEEEEEE!!"

Beyond the meretricious appeals to nostalgia...

"That better be your light saber poking into me, Leia..."

We are treated to some new characters. Like a former stormtrooper who realizes killing people ain't right, yo.

 "Wait, did I leave the oven on?"

After the My Lai village killing scene (maybe the most offensive part of a movie filled with offensiveness), the black guy goes to the mess hall with his fellow stormtroopers and debates the ethical imperatives involved in killing innocent CGI people.... 

"Slap some jive on me, my nigga."

Wait. No, no. That would have meant a scene that was actually written rather than designed by toy manufacturers and running enthusiasts. Instead, he meets a spunky chick and they get chased around some more.

"You guys, get over here. This droid just took a shit."

The worst scene is where she flies the Millennial Baby Boomer with only a permit license! COME ON

"Hm. This button is shiny. We'll try that one!"

Then she meets up with the main baddie, a former member of One Direction or Menudo (dealer's choice), and she bests him with her girl power.

"So THAT'S where your sword is. Ha, ha. I love this game!!"

Meanwhile there's a new death star, but why not something, uh, new? Like a clone army of Darth Vaders? Or a heavy taxation system? And why can't Princess Leia have become the new president of the Republic and then got all Imelda Marcos on the galaxy's ass and have to be deposed by the spinning-off-the-bridge Harrison "You Can't Make Me Say This Shit" Ford?? Do I have to do all the writing???? I mean, I'm no writer here, but I think this thing needed a wall-to-wall shampooing. 

And the dialogue. Oy vey beep boop (the movie needed more Yiddish droids). For example: at one point, some hero guy says, "Looks like we've got company." Ha ha, get it? Because the "company" aren't really invited guests coming over for Earl Gray and crumpets but more of the robots-with-sex-toys variety... 

Oh, well. That's it for me. No more of these godawful Star War movies.

*checks Episode VIII scheduled opening*

What is wrong with me?