Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Phantom Tollbooth Menace

Because I am a sad person, I watched THE PHANTOM MENACE on Saturday night. Sure, I could have been collecting stamps or rolling my own boogers, but noooooooo I had to get menaced to the max by a Jamaican reptile (?).

As this is Episode I, everything comes together and gets put into, uh, motion. And I mean EVERYTHING. Taxation. Tariff agreements. Excise and import duties. AW HELLS YEAH

Naboo not getting its supply of Pam Cooking Spray = Euripidean tragedy

Okay, so not a promising start. But we are introduced to an intriguing Jedi Knight by the name of Mah Jong, the greatest Mah Jong player in the galaxy (hence the name Mah Jong).

"Don't make me pong your melds, bitches."

He hooks up with a little invisible buddy known as Har Har Thinks, a person who laughs while contemplating his next meld. 

Turns out he's awfully funny.

"Me sa open whoopsa can on yo ass sa."

He cleans out a whole anthill while holding a seashell to his ear flap (this movie is weird).

"I lost my cinnabon!!"

He is eventually sodomized for his crimes. Ha Ha, who sa laughing now sa?

"How woooooode! AAARGH" 

That's it for the bad guys. The good are represented by a former member of Insane Clown Posse. He's all about the Faygo, son.

"The force is strong in this juggalo..."

He is on a mission to make sure two young children don't have sex with each other. The audience is passionately rooting for him.

 "I love you."
"I know, Mommy."

The little boy is a slave to love... and some weird Jew.

"Make this quick. I'm in a regional production of Merchant of Naboo."

Turns out, the rules of Mah Jong are very confusing. Apparently you have to dress up like a fag.

"My hair hurts so hard."

Various space monsters have a bash, or a mash, or a calabash...

"Ha ha ha! The droid takes a shit. Wait..."

In the end, the fate of the galaxy is decided through interpretive dance.

"Wouldn't jazz hands be easier?"

Mah Jong dies after a wicked pai gow pong dragon meld. His buddy, Emilio Estevez, gets very upset because he must continue acting in these movies.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! *sees paycheck* I mean, yeah, sure."

Acting! As always, STAR WARS brings the acting chops to the table and fries it in a galactic pan sprayed with Pam and we've come full circle, folks.

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