Friday, July 31, 2015

The Horrible Gift of Laughter

Since Carol had Botox injected into her throat, her laugh sounded like a funhouse lady caught inside a bouncy castle with terminally-ill leprechauns, on crack.

"Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA ha ha ha HA HA ha ha ha ha..."

Up and down went her happy laugh, like scales. And she's practicing a lot.

"Whatever you're on, I want some of it."

"No! Ha ha ha. I'm... ha ha... not on anything ha ha ha...!"

Carol asked me if I had been given a BB gun as a kid.

"No, Mom had three unruly boys to raise. She didn't want to arm us. And Grandma was smacking us with giant tinkertoys, so she didn't want return fire."

"Ha ha ha return fire ha ha!"

Carol apologized for laughing. I said it's fine to laugh at horrifying tragedy. Sort of like the child killer we had at the library last week.

"Drive safe!" Carol yelled. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA ha ha!"

"Maybe she should have a police escort when she drives? A motorcycle cop in front of her, and one behind? CHILD KILLER, coming through, people! Don't get your children killed...!"


Then I told her about Pat. Lately Pat has had injections of testosterone, and he's been having "feelings."

"Oh, no! Is he coming on to you?"

"Mm, I don't think so. But he did ask, hypothetically, if he was having some sexy thoughts and then, say, the mailman came and then he transferred those thoughts to the mailman... did that make him gay? But he said the mailman was just an example. He didn't want to say who it really was."

"*Snigger* Sounds like he loves you. Ha, ha!"

"He asked me all kinds of questions. He says he feels an 'ache' down below, but he doesn't know what to do about it. I told him to masturbate."

"What?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA!"

"Well, it's natural. But then again, maybe not. He said it's 'gunky' down there and he doesn't want to get anything on his hands. It's not clear what's going on down there. He said the doctor cut his dick off, and he had part of his vagina removed last year, so, uh......"

"Oh, Greg! This is too funny! HA HA HA HA!"

"Is it?"

"Yes! Ha ha ha ha...!"

"But then he told me he wants to move to New Mexico because he had a premonition when he was 11 that he would die in New Mexico, so he wants to get down there and make his dreams come true."

"Ha ha ha!"

"He also remembers his past lives. In one of them he died during a scarification ritual in Africa when he was 12. But most chilling is when he asked me why women make noises when they have sex. He said, 'Don't the women know that children are supposed to be quiet? How can they make all that noise...?' One time, when he lived with roommates, he broke into a bedroom after hearing sex noises and got into a fistfight with the guy..."

"Ha ha ha ha! Noises! Ha HA ha HA ha HA! Fistfight...!"

Just then someone interrupted to say a customer was complaining about our sign that advertised our Saturday program. It had a picture of a lion on the flier.

"What's the problem?"

"They say it's insensitive because of that lion dying in Zimbabwe..."

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Lion dying... ha ha... in Zim... ha... babwe...! Oh, oh! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

We took down the flier. It was just too hilarious.

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