Friday, April 3, 2015

Extremely Wonderful and Incredibly Delightful (When the Credits Rolled)

You know how someone dares you to eat broken glass or walk around with a banana lodged firmly yet lovingly in your butt? That's this movie: a banana made of broken glass in your butt. And the pain is not the good kind.

 "When I put my fingers in my pits I like to sniff them real hard."

EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE is about a little boy who needs to be routinely beaten but instead goes on a heartsmart journey to find the wish captured in a fairy's fart. Something like that.

 "Tamborine? Check. Twee paraphernalia? 
Check. Now--let's annoy New York City!!"

Tom Hanks plays his cross-dressing father, who is whimsical and also dead. 

"Can you see my career over there, son? No, I can't either."

The story consists of some ludicrous malarkey about a little boy trying to find clues to his father's closet homosexuality with the help of his magic Asperger powers.

 "When will the Cloverfield monster come kill us all??"

Meanwhile his mommy also flashes back to 9/11 and makes us feel sad that the world has things like terrorism and movies.

"Ha ha, this will make for a great joke at my dinner party later." 

Along the way our little faggot meets a sour old fart who can't talk and writes down poignant messages begging for the sweet release of Robin Williams' embrace.

 "Max? Max! Hey, buddy, will you turn to the viewer? Thanks."

The movie is tedious, dull, saccharine, pointless, patronizing, painful, idiotic, maladroit and deleterious. Also, bad.

 "No, no, no, no, no, no. Please NO."

In the end, we learn that TOO SOON is synonymous with TOO AWFUL. 

"My dad says I'll never be in a Wes Anderson movie. 
I'm going to prove him wrong! Now, let me get 
back to this Hittite-Byzantine erotic cartography...."

Thanks, Amy!

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