Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Singularity Is Boring

TRANSCENDENCE is about how Facebook is becoming our master, and how great that is. Remember the days when if we wanted to see a kitten play on a keyboard we had to hold down an actual cat on a keyboard and flick a lighter at its anus? Man, those were the days....... Yep, so great....... Wait, what was my point again?

"Yesterday Dr. Will Caster Was Only a Woman."

Oh, right. Johnny Depp dies and becomes the internet, silly kitties and all. But before his timely death, he sells Amway products to the spiritually-starved and soap-needy. It turns out that there's a terrorist group of Luddites who hate Amway and try to wreck Depp's ultimate Amway-selling mainframe computer. Are we still awake?

"Those at the gold level can gain the platinum level with two bonus sales..."

After the Amish shoot him, he dies and gets uploaded into Q*Bert.

"What the hell...? Why am I jumping around colored cubes....?"

Depp puts his hair in cornrows because that's what the kids of today are doing. This teaches us that the internet is not always right. And Kid Rock is a dick.

"I'm a cowboy, baby..."

God in the form of an obligatory Morgan Freeman show up to defrag Depp's disk, if you catch my meaning. (I don't.)

"Now, think, Johnny. Why did you agree to appear in this?"

In their battle with Depp's nanobots, federal agents use a TRS-80. The one thing a mainframe quantum superintelligence can't handle is BASIC. And IRONY.

IF this movie is playing,

Meanwhile Depp tries to save the planet with solar energy. Ha ha, like that would ever work. (Seriously, everyone, keep fracking.)

In frustration, Depp's computer forces us to watch this movie.

"Warm and mandatory... warm and mandatory..."

But in the end, the internets gets exploded. Which is truly chilling because how will we blog?!?

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