Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Falling Fece

Today's Movie Minute is about how we've had enough and we're not going to take anymore. Or not. Whatever. What's on TV tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Michael Douglas, in pre-cunnilingus cancer mode, plays SCHMEK, and he's having a bad DAY. He's a man who went to your schools, went to your churches, went to your institutional learning facilities, and all he wanted was a Pepsi. Or a hug from someone (preferably white).

"I've been listening to a lot of punk rock lately. It just makes sense."

See, Michael Douglas is angry about the Cold War ending and losing his job in the defense industry. He goes around with his license plate explaining his plight. Character development!

(But wouldn't the license be more fun if it had D with a fence? Come on, DMV!!)

Douglas doesn't just want a Pepsi. He wants a burger too. Plot!  

"What kind of burgers do you have?"

Turns out he's too late for breakfast. But what have we always said is the most important thing?

"All right, everybody! I'm exercising
my constitutional right to get a burger!"

Meanwhile, halfway across the dirty city seething with burger-deprived ethnics, Robert Duvall is just two minutes from retirement. And twenty seconds from a bowel movement. Theme!

"Mm, feels like a gusher."

Douglas makes his mayhem-y way across the city, spraying bullets and arguing with semaphore specialists. (But don't we all?)

"The three flags over your head means you're a dirtball...?"

During his spree, Douglas defecates on the grave markers of local cholos. 

"Learn the power of the white man!! (Please don't hurt me.)"

In the end, feeling winsome and puckish, Douglas buys a snow globe that symbolizes his lost youth and innocence. But the joke's on him: he actually has no soul ha ha.

All he wanted was a Pepsi. Just one Pepsi.

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