Agreeably Pounding The Pizza

My tutee, Pat, sort of blew my mind recently. And I will now pass on the mind-blowing to you, reader. Because a mind is a wonderful thing to blow.

His parents being gone to visit his sister in New Jersey, Pat had the whole house to himself.

Er... no. That won't be happening.

But anyway, Pat had a question for me at the end of our lesson.

"You remember how we talked about how there are friends, and then there are 'friends'?"

I nodded. I also remembered talking about the suckiness of David Schwimmer.

"Well, when is ordering a pizza ordering a 'pizza'?"

"Uhhhhhhhh..........."

Now it was my turn for the long stare.

"I'm not quite following you. Do you mean those ones with the cheese in the crust...?"

"No! I mean, when is ordering a pizza a metaphor for sex?"

"Oh! Oh."

"How can I tell? I just want to get a pizza delivered. But I'm afraid they'll think I want sex instead."

"No, no, no. I assure you, when you order a pizza you'll get a middle-aged Armenian who just wants a non-sex-related tip. Most likely."

Having Asperger's, and a tutor who knows nothing about Asperger's, Pat was wrestling with the connotative perplexities of language. For him everything should have a clear, literal meaning. And being intersex, he was also grappling with intersexuality. He doesn't like to read anything that has graphic sexual content, for instance, or anything my dad has ever written. He's like everybody on the planet, in other words.

"But when is ordering a pizza not really ordering a pizza?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, what if I order a pizza and they think I mean I'm ordering a 'pizza'?"

"You mean you want a pizza not a 'pizza'?"

"Yes, how can I make sure of that?"

"Well, you can't guarantee it. But you should be okay. Just tell them you want pizza not 'pizza.' And don't order the meat lover's. Or the sausage. Or the anchovy. And you should be fine."

"Okay, thanks."

Another successful tutoring session!

Whew. And now I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight. If you catch my meaning. I mean, "meaning."

"I got your pizza right here, lady."