No Dingleberries Attached (Well, some)

In today's Movie Minute we learn that a "no strings attached" relationship has a lot of strings attached. What are these strings? Why, your heart strings, you stupid fucker. Jesus. Do I have to do everything around here??

Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are two single people who have a hard time getting a date. This is known in the biz as REALISM.

In the race Kutcher's face is having between smarmy and smirky, no one wins. And no one can hear you scream.

"Someone please kiss me on the mouth. HARD."

Portman can't have a serious relationship because it's in the script. Where the words are.

"Let's play doctor!"

As is the style in these types of movies, Kutcher and Portman express their love physically.

"Yeah, it's been four hours. Better call a doctor. Er... I mean, you."

Thankfully, Kutcher has a bunch of D-list ringers and rappers to help him with his romantic travails. It's easy since they have no lives of their own and can devote their every aching hour to their friend's fascinating love life!

"Wowww! Tell me more about her pussy!"

Meanwhile there are the old people. They are kinda lame, because, you know.

"You did what to my dog now?"

Turns out that Kutcher's dad, played by Phoebe Cates' husband, has a threesome with Kutcher's girlfriend and her dog. Who says romcoms can't be edgy? Or beastiailicious?

"Open wider, Boo Boo!"

In the end we learn that there really isn't anything more delightful than gorgeous young people having sex all the time. No, wait, there is. It's watching it in a movie!! And it was a ride!

"Ow, ow, ow. My back! Get off me....!"

They should have called this Difficult Brown. All of you who've seen this get my meaning.