Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Silent Night, Dreadful Night

Hey, kids, do you hate Christmas? Well, so does Santy Claus! And he is here to KILL, most hilariously, as the Bible teaches us (somewhere in the back).

That's right, Santa Clause hates a certain color, and after a long day shopping at Target and then eating at Red Robin and then puking into a toilet at the Red Roof Inn, he starts killing black people. Wait... whites too. Whew. He's an equal opportunity homicidal maniac, thanks be to baby Jesus.

"Grrrrr, me deck the halls with boughs of bodies!"

He takes a claw hammer to the Salvation Army guy who won't stop his incessant ringing...

"Season's greee.... *gurgle*"

And then he's killing carolers with gingerbread umbrellas...

"Hark the herald angggggh... *gaaaaah!*"

And then he's shocking the little drummer boy with, uh, battery clamps of sugarplums... in the mouth...

"Pah rumpa paaahhh arrgggh...!"

Santa even concludes that his girlfriend talks too much shit. She joins the long line of Swank Magazine rejects to get killed in the movie and affirm the screenwriter's raging misogyny.

"Joooy to the worrrrrllll.... aaacccck!"

But, let's face it, the worst are those fuckers who take their garbage out to the curb on garbage day. I mean, what the hell?! Thank God Santa's there to waste 'em!!

"My recycling...! Nooooo!"

It turns out, in an interesting twist, that Santa also hates nuns. They were mean to Santa when he was a young Muslim, or something.

"Why aren't you on the run?!?! THE FIVE WOUNDS!! GAAAAH!!"

But you know who Santa hates most of all? Why, himself. Christmas is for irony, kids. Never forget that.

"Ha, ha, ha! I'm going to shoot myself! Ha, ha, ha!"

In the end, the viewer dresses up as a cop and shoots himself. Because, you know, gotta shoot something.

"Uhhh, duh, why am I still here...? Is it Easter yet?"

I want to thank AMY as she most helpfully pointed out this link to bad movies, and now I regularly feel dark promptings within my soul. So far I've seen 181. Oh, I've wasted my life.

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