Tuesday, July 8, 2014


ENDER'S GAME is one of those fun type of movies in which you're trapped watching someone else play a video game only to learn that God hates fags.

Tom Cruise was originally considered for the lead role--but Orson Scott Card had a hissy fit and put on the Cabaret soundtrack as sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, to "relax."

Our story is about a future time when the world is under attack from the gay agenda. It's up to one smooth-faced cutie to taste the rainbow--and then pray it away.

"Space jazz hands!"

Meanwhile, Harrison Ford runs the military and yells a lot to hide certain facts about himself.

 "Damnit, you listen to me, I haven't had a
good bowel movement in weeks. Weeks."

Ender is very special. While he has all the charisma of the runner-up at your high school's chess tournament (read: me), it seems only he can defeat the buggers with his white hot blasts of laser. Along the way he recruits others to his agenda, er, religion, er, regiment.

 "No, no, it doesn't count as sex if we leave on our magic underwear."

He forms a ragtag ragtime band, and together they take on the most dangerous thing of all... their own feelings. Everyone gets mashed into the same closet. It's a tight squeeze.

 "That better be your elbow poking into me..."

Ender finally gets his chance to wave the baton and do a full symphonic rendering of YMCA. What I'm saying is, this movie is gay.

 "More bassoons, damnit!!"

By the end, Ender ends things by ending the queen ant by communicating through Instagram, or whatever the hell it is those damn kids use these days....

"Tell your Mr Orkin I'm not that bad."

I think I'd rather watch my friends play this...


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