Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Knight And Gay

Today's Movie Minute is about a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to please stop shooting everyone.

"You shoot the stuff behind and I'll shoot stuff in front. On three."

KNIGHT AND DAY starts with Tom Cruise running into local she-man Cameron Diaz at the airport. It's not a meet-cute so much as a meet-fruit.

 "Strap yourselves in, folks. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Of thrills!"

They team up in order to get a perpetual motion machine into the hands of the right people (masturbators). The inventor of said machine turns out to be brilliant but absent-minded. Sort of like Jerry Lewis, but minus the holocaust clown jokes.

"Oh, how I wish oh how I wish I wasn't in this film..."

Along the way they take the most dangerous chance of all: they shoot shit up.

 Thank God there's a man to save a hysterical woman

Traditional gender roles are examined and then discarded as Cruise proves he's super tuff and Diaz screams and giggles.

 Cameron Diaz's acting is extraordinary, btw.

They learn that the first rule of bike safety is to make sure you're always fornicating while you ride.

 Kawasaki Sutra, anyone?

Action piles up on more and more ACTION. The only thing missing is a giant python falling on Cruise.

"Like a good neighbor...!"

In the end, they go to a remote island and spend the rest of their lives comparing bikini bods. The viewer feels glad that these two crazy kids wound up together and that the credits are rolling.

 "If only we were being filmed right now!"

There! I did it! I made it through an entire Tom Cruise movie review without making (more than) one gay joke. *looks up at blog title* Awe hell.

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