Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Spring Wind Breakers

In this Movie Minute, SPRING BREAKERS teaches us that young people can be just as boring as old folk.

"Breaker, breaker, what's your bikini?"

The movie is about... uh... it's about.... er...

It's... something... uh....


(*Thirty minutes later after manipulating my penis until it becomes hard and then using that erection to masturbate with and ejaculating copious quantities of semen.*)

Annnd we're back. What were we talking about? Oh, right, we were talking about was how BORING young folk are. Damn kids. I mean, look at them. How do they expect to finish a spreadsheet or calculate actuarial tables this way??

"I love Hegelian dialectics in a Lacanian self-image paradox of the Other! Whooo!"

Thankfully, one man is here to set us straight...

"Douche coming through. Make way, folks!"

Being an utter scumbag, James Franco plays the role of a fairly nice guy, which is a stretch. At least he doesn't make the girls read his fiction.

"Hey, you want to Hegelian my dialectic, if you know what I mean? (I don't know what I mean.)"

Since plot is for squares, this movie proudly has none. Girls wear bikinis, they meet James Franco, they go to a party that keeps repeating itself, repeating itself, the girls wear bikinis, some hardcore gangstas leer at Justin Bieber (or his gf, I get them mixed up), the girls wear bikinis, they get arrested for disorderly bikini conduct, it's spring break y'all, drugs are sampled, penises shoot out candy stars, the girls wear bikinis, dubstep plays real loud, James Franco fellates some guns, the girls wear bikinis, they go on a bikini crime spree in their bikinis.... And it was a movie!

"This bikini trial is now in session!"

In the end, we learn that killing people with automatic weapons that weigh more than we do is fun. In a bikini! With James Franco!

This actually made me wish he was hosting the Oscars. With Billy Crystal. Yes, that bad.

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