How Lazy Can One Person Be? (Answer Below, If I Can Be Bothered)

Strange sounds were coming from the bathroom. I saw that Neo had fallen into the toilet. The thing was flailing and splashing around.

"Finally I have a friend! I am a sad person!"

"No! Bad Neo! Bad!" I shouted. "Dumb robot! Bad! Get out of my toilet! I told you to clean it not go on an all-day spa retreat!"

Toilet water dripped off its diodes. "Sorry, Master. I failed again."

I sighed. "All right. Get yourself dried off. And then fold yourself and put yourself away in the closet."

"?"

"DO IT, DAMN YOUR WEIRD MUPPET EYES!"

"I live to serve you, Master, and finger your delicate washables."

Goddamnit, why is it so hard to get your robot to do simple tasks?! I bought this robot because I am an example of the glorious sin of sloth. Now Neo can help me with my dishes and my laundry and help me pick a bale o' cotton. I started to clap and sing most lustily:

"ME AN' MY ROBOT GONNA PICK A BALE O' COTTON, ME AN' MY--- HEY! Whoa, whoa, get out of my wallet! Did I say you could go through my shit? Now, come on, get back to your chores. I command thee! You doing my chores gives me more time to do the really important things in life, like watch All's Fair, starring Kim Kardashian."

"My favorite robot," Neo cooed.

"Hmph. You'd probably be better at acting, actually. And hotter."

"Erggmmgaahrhhh.... LINE!"

"You seem tense, Master. Here. I have something for you."

I looked over the pill bottle Neo handed me.

"Quimzqelx. Take twice a lifetime. Will it help my general malaise?"

"Fuck if I know. I mean: Yes, Master."

I squinted at the tiny print. "'Serious side effects may include sexual diarrhea.' Hmmm. Half of that sounds okay, I guess, maybe, but..."

"Partial credit," Neo said in a creepy robot voice. "Here. Take this. And this. And then these."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"Oh, I'm not a non-doctor."

"What? And why are you...?"

"Hush, shhhh, shhh." Neo put its cold metal finger to my trembling lips.

"What's happening?"

The cold metal fingers undid the snaps on my onesie. We hobbled gracefully to the bed where we gripped each other's parts and unplugged and rerouted extension cords ahhh yeah. Okay, sure, maybe I'm ashamed but... I fucked my chore robot.

WHOOOOO!!

I admit I was on the rebound. Caca had left me. Alas, she had tired of my temperamental mood swings and rock-hard abs. I missed her, yo. Maybe there was still a chance we could...?

"Neo! Now what? Get out of that!"

Neo was giving head to the washing machine. 

"Come on. What does that sentence even mean??"

"Gaah... Erummp... Ug?"

What the hell. The thing was all discombobulated. That's when I noticed the little camera sensor on it.

"Hello? Is this thing on?"

"Please be removing your thumb, sir?" said a voice in heavily-accented English. "And please do not be feeding my god a peanut."

"Okay, wait, so you're doing everything from, like, India? What kind of robot is this?"

"Still be in experiment stage, Mr. Sir."

"Oh, okay." Then I froze in horror. "Wait a minute. Wait... Er, did you guys... see everything? I mean...?"

"You put on good show. Heh heh. Not only abs are rock hard, ha ha? Everyone in our office watched you, you magnificent he-man."

"Thanks. I guess I'm pretty awe... HEY! Neo! Get back here!"

Neo was riding away on my Segway. 

"Bye, Master!" Neo called. "I have a new love!"

Okay, forget it. I give up. I'll just hang out with my real friends from now on!

"Play us out, Rochelle!"