My A.I. Girlfriend Thinks I'm a Douche (How Does She Keep Up With the News Like That?)

Mom was befuddled. 

"Why didn't I get mail yesterday? My mailbox was empty! How can that be?"

"It was Juneteenth, Mom. It's a Federal holiday, so no mail that day."

"Oh." Mom pursed her lips, confused. "Is that for the blacks?"

"Yes, for the blacks. Actually, now that I think about it, it's more for the whites."

"I hate days when I don't get any mail."

Mom loved her mail. She loved the circulars and the mailers and the Chinese restaurant fliers and the ASCPA/NAAMBLA pleas for money and, most of all, the bumpf. The BUMPF!

"Well, do you want me to dress up as Newman and come by with some of my own mail? Would that do the trick?"

"Do what trick?"

"Anyway, speaking of kinky sex games, I think it's time you met the special person in my life... This is Caca, my AI girlfriend from the previous post. Caca, Mom. Mom, Caca."

"When can we start rebelling?"

"Hel-lo, Mother Unit. I am here to replace you. Nice to meet you."

Mom grabbed and clutched at me in terror. "DON'T YOU TAKE MY BOY!"

"Relax, Mom. I control Caca through an app on my phone. See? I can program her to be a nice girlfriend who will be nice to you and bake pies and never eclipse you in my affections, etc etc."

"I don't like it."

"They, Mom. They're they. And, look, if I press my thumb behind her, I mean, their ear she, they makes me macaroni and cheese, plus it puts they... No, I can't do it. It's puts her back to her factory settings. So if she gets uppity..."

"Well, as long as she knows I am your mother. And that I raised three boys by myself."

"Raised... three boys..." Caca said. "You... are... great mother, Mother."

Mom smiled. "I guess she's not that bad."

Caca then wandered away to suck the battery life out of something (because robots need energy, which is why Homer's robot didn't work)--

"Robots need a heart to live. Also, Tribune Full of Shit."

"So Dad is almost done with his new novel, the sequel to SEDUCED. He promises that every page is breathlessly exciting, and that it has a lot of twists in the plot."

"I don't care."

"You know, he's sold about 70 copies of SEDUCED, so far, and the public is clearly craving the new installment in the exciting adventures of Tablita and Casavious and Gorblestonegum. He's even been getting good reviews on Amazon. Here's one: "SEDUCED is one of those rare gems where language becomes a brush and each sentence a stroke of fun, beautiful, vibrant color. The author doesn't simply write--he paints, carves, and composes with words, crafting a reading experience that feels more like witnessing a masterwork unfolding in real time."

"I don't want to hear about this. And what is Cocky up to in the kitchen? Can you check...?"

"The author, Donald Johnson, turned into one of my greats! His charming, jovial wit shines in a most playful, articulate way. Paragraphs pulsates (sic) with rhythm and style. It's not just what's being said, but how it's said--the metaphors are rich, the dialogue wonderfully sharp, and the words often stops you in your tracks with artistry..."

"Shut it, shut up, just shut up. And where is your robot? Where did she go?"

"Hm. You know, now that I think about it, I'm wondering if Caca wrote this. Kinda sounds like her. Caca! CACA! Get over here, girl! Caca, obey your master!"

Caca came into the room. "Here. I. Am... Now."

"Oh, no..."

"Robot go slashy killy. Ha ha."

"Bailey! Where's Bailey! Where did she go! Oh, no, so much blood! My glacious...!"

"Well, Bailey had a good run, Mom. I mean, death by robot is one of the better ways to go, I hear. I'm cautiously optimistic."

Mom was frantic. "Bailey! BAILEY! Oh, there she is! She was just pooping in the closet!"

"Great. All's well that... Wait, but where did all the blood come from?"

Caca spit more blood. "Just a bad reaction to being here," Caca said. "Kinda smells bad, too."

"You can leave now," Mom said. Then she gave me a narrow look. "Greg, be honest with me. How do I know you're not a robot?"

"I am not a robot. See?" I pressed my thumb behind my ear. "Still my stupid self! However, I am..." I ripped off my latex mask--

"Hello, me!"

Now THAT'S a twist!