Drop the Ballz OMG

It's a new year, everyone, and it seems the cheer is everywhere you go. I got home recently to find a black garbage bag in front of my door. A garbage bag black as death. A cheerful death? I cautiously approached the bag.

"Huh!" I didn't say aloud but will pretend I did. "What [the fuck] is this?"

Inside was what looked like a children's toy of some sort. Huh! I said again except just in typing. There was no address, or anything resembling sanity on the box or the bag.

I brought it inside, wondering if I should call the FBI. But it wasn't anthrax or the new vaccine with anthrax in it, it was... an ORBEEZ SPAAAAH! For those fourth graders who had just the worst day at school and need to push their toes into some plastic balls. 

"Hey, girlfriend! I gots to get my soak on, ait?"

"Wait, is this the ultimate? I won't do it if it's not ultimate."

Question: Do little girls need spaah treatment? Maybe!

"Aw man, that fraction test was a killer. Finally I can relax by soaking my feet in balls!"

"I know, right? I thought recess would never come today. And a bully stole my fruit roll up! And these balls feel great on my tiny child feet."

"Yay balls!"

"Yay Orbeez! trademark registered!"

Question: Do old grumpy men need spaah treatment? Hmm.

While I keep my fruit roll ups in a secure place (wall safe), I have stress like any harassed grade schooler out there.

Like: At the library we now need to be twelve feet apart and we've been issued DPL (Duluth Public Library) bullhorns so we can communicate.

"This is stupid," Todd said into his bullhorn.

"Don't mess with the bullhorn," I said, "or you'll get the, uh... horny."

"What?!"

"I said...!" I pulled down my Breen. "Don't mess with--"

"Yeah, yeah. If Hilarity tries to move me to another library I'm just going to tell her I have the squirts."

"What?"

"The squirts," Todd yelled across three football field lengths. "I have the squirts!"

"Gross!" I bellowed into my bullhorn.

Hilarity came out of her office, covered in hazmat material fastened with safety pins, because punk rock.

"Get that mask on correctly, Johnson," Hilarity screeched.

My Breen mask was slightly crooked. Also I had a hole cut out of the front. Sort of like a crotch-less panty, only more sexy.

"Todd? I need to talk to you," Hilarity said.

"Ugnnnnggh," Todd said, beard clenching.

"Commence Operation Diarrhea," I said wittily and coolly.

At the word diarrhea Pat suddenly showed up. He needed me as a witness for a deposition with his landlady.

"Just listen, in case she's violating the disability rights' act. I have a list of my disabilities that I can sue her for if she doesn't let me sleep with cans of corn in my bed."

"Right," I said, wondering how Pat got in the library. "And I'm calling security."

"Here's the list:

Oppositional defiance

Social anxiety disorder

Panic attacks

Tic Tac Disorder

Dyscalculia

Exhausting weirdness

Moody diarrhea

Slapping strangers dysphoria

Schizoid personality disorder

Social avoidant

Manic balloon fear...

Now, we'll need to go over this in great detail before she calls. Also, I have more problems we need to talk about because my dad, he--"

Just then I felt a sharp jab at my neck. I turned.

Andy.

"What did I tell you about talking about Pat?" he growled. He had a knife.

"Sorry! Don't kill me!"

"No. Pat. Say it after me."

"No Pat."

"Good. See, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I don't know. What if Pat needs some tic tacs because of his dad?"

"Grr," Andy said and waved the knife like a knife-wielding balloon maniac.

"Okay, okay! Geez. My feet are really starting to..."

Mom shook her head at me, not amused. She was feeling sad, and a touch of dyscalculia.

"Did you like the pun game I got you for Christmas?"

"Yes, Mom." I looked around. I was getting scared. My writing was disjointed and, didn't flow. The salad kout.

"Did you really like it, or are you just saying that because you don't love me?"

"Puns are great, Mom. If they were good enough for Jesus they're good enough for me."

"What do you mean?" Mom was sad. Also disturbed. "You mean, they made the pun later?"

"What? No. Jesus made the pun on Peter's name. The 'rock' of the church. Petra in Greek. Little known fact: Jesus was really into Dad humor."

"But I don't understand. Were puns invented back then?"

"What do you mean? Like the wheel?"

"I think someone made a pun later. They didn't have puns back then."

"They did."

"I don't think they did."

"They did! Jesus used puns! It's a scientific fact!"

"Are you going to cut your hair? You're looking very shaggy."

"Grr."

I frantically broke open the box of SPAAH BALLZ and dipped my bare feet in the soaking warmth of little balls as I combed my long hair and strainedly thought how I have a man bun in the oven.

HERE'S TO A SAFE AND FRACTIONALLY FUN 1975!!!!!