Keep On Cagin' (Now in Smell-O-Vision)

Today's Movie Minute is a movie called BETWEEN WORLDS. And what worlds, exactly, are we talkin' about? Why, the world we live in and... the world of NIC CAGE.

"In theaters, when it was a cootie-free world. 

What a weird, weird time that was..."

And these worlds are not meant to collide. In fact, they must at all costs be prevented from having sex. *watches movie* Ugh. Too late.

Our sweaty tale concerns a trucker who calls women "buster" and has a lot of stink in his trou from the truckin' and convoyin' he does. In his travels he comes across a buster who's getting choked by some rando, but not in the sexy way we all crave in our lives.

"Did something crawl in your armpit hair and die?"
"Oh, it didn't die."

Like any good romcom, these two lovebirds don't take a shine to each other at first. But then, uh, they do.

"Tell me I'm sexy. TELL ME I'M SEXY!!"
"Would you get off me?"

There is a plot twist, and it's a delicious one. The trucker lady has an eighteen-year-old daughter, and it turns out that she's really hot for Nic Cage and his puffy greased manhood.

She likes to drive a stick shift, if you know what I mean.

Under a wool blanket, if you know what I mean.

Barfing all the while, if you know what I mean.

That actually isn't the plot twist, as delicious as it is. No, it turns out that the girl almost died and while her spirit left her body Nic Cage's dead wife got inside the girl and claimed squatter's rights.

"Aaaaiigh! The puffiness! The grease!"

They pound POUND the mattress until an exhausted dawn. But for some reason other people don't think it's nic for Nice Cage to pull a convoy (is that the term?) with a teenage girl and try to stop him from acting once and for all. But they've forgotten they're dealing with Nic Cage. NIC CAGE. He sneaks up on his rival and swings a bat at the guy's head.

A true hero.

Then he hits the showers. As his teenage, motorcycle-mounted girlfriend hoses him down, he does a striptease so he can become the lead whore at a Las Vegas burlesque house.

"The Thrifty Nickel gave me three erect cocks! Yaaaahhh!"

After everyone is slaughtered ha ha, Nic Cage goes back to where his daughter burned to death in a grease fire. He finds her old Jack in the Box toy and gets poignant with it.

"How'd it not get burned? How'd it not get burned?

HOW'D IT NOT GET BURNED?!?"

In the end, Nic Cage gracefully accepts his Academy Award and then gets transformed into a pair of Haggar slacks.

Oh God, not the pants, NOT THE PANTS!! (Thank you.)

Hey, look, I found another Nic Cage sex picture! Ha ha, try washing THIS out of your eye grapes!