The Librariad

Sing, Blog God, of Todd's Rage, black and murderous, most foul and vituperative, seething in anger and murderous in rage. Did I say angry, Blog God? Sing! Sing! Of the most ragey anger of--

Todd came over. "Are you blogging about me? Fucker?"

"No. Well, yes. In song. Singing in a super gay way. You know, about your wrath in dactylic hexameters. And your rage."

"I really fucking hate this place sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

We've started curbside service at the library, and things have been a bit... murderous. Todd exploded in great furious anger at Hilarity because his captive slave girl was taken from him in compensation for Chryseis, and that's when it was the end of the world, or the Agamemnon. Then plastic bags washed ashore outside of Ilium and all Hades broke out. It seems Todd hates plastic more than Vulcan hates Captain Kirk, and he wanted Hilarity to put them all in a wooden horse and set on fire. Or at least burn down this extended metaphor.

"It really pisses me off. And I hate these goddamn masks. I have to smell my own breath! Do you have a Certs, by the way?"

"Certs weren't invented until Roman times."

"All these fucking plastic bags. I hate it. It's so wrong, it's so fucking wrong. I... I..." Todd started to gasp and choke, grabbing at his mask. He threw it off, revealing his beard. "I hate it!"

Just then our favorite security guard, Farley, came around the front doors.

"Shit shit. Damnit." Todd hastily tied his mask back on. "Did she see me?"

"Unless you're a toilet, I don't think she did. Ruby Creek has the best toilets, she told me, and I'm so glad she did. Friends."

"Ugh," Todd said, eyes watering, "all I can smell is spicy tofu and quinoa coming back at me." 

"I like my mask," I said. "It gives me the chance to put on red lipstick. Lots of it. No one can see my plump sexy mouth behind my mask, but it doesn't matter. Just knowing I'm so alluring is enough as I make sweet little kisses with myself. Mwah. Mm. Mm."

Todd watched me as I hugged myself and shoved my tongue down my throat.

"It's no wonder you paint only yourself."

"I'm starting a catalog of me wearing masks. Grande Banana Republic. You can bet I'll be giving the ladies what they crave."

"Here's our model just before he fell over a dog." 

"Peek-a-boo! Here comes a hairy belly! Ladies?"

"It appears that Toots has a million views on ShitKok for her fashion modeling. So far I have about negative ten, and the government is threatening to shut it down. I mean, me down. All in all, I like to think I make a positive difference and..."

"Wait."

Todd came closer to me, invading my six foot bubble by a few microns, and narrowed his queer eyes. 

"Did you... shave your beard?"

"Well..."

Todd swelled with fury. "GODDAMN YOU, just tell me."

With shame I pulled down my mask to reveal my baby face.

"Aiggghhhhhh!" Todd screamed. He dropped to his knees. "Baaa-aaaaaaags!"

"Bags?"

"I mean, beeeeeee-eeeeeeard!"

"My face is so small and cute now. I mean, where's the rest of me?"

Todd ran off, swinging his skateboard at Ajax and other assorted cleaners. Then a pencil hit his heel and he cried out.

"I'm hit!" he explained.

I took Todd in my arms. "Don't you die on me, man. Don't you die!"

Todd looked up at me. "Please... promise me..."

"Yes?"

"Grow handlebars. At least a Vandyke."

"Got it."

Then the great hero expired. We floated him down river on a raft of plastic bags, since we weren't using them after all and why not use them for his corpse ha ha.