Six Feet Apart, The Series, The Ride

My niece Toots came over on Monday to join me in livin' la covid-a loco. She wandered over to the easel where masterpieces roll off the assembly line like clockwork. A very sick, weird clock.

"Who likes to wear silly hats?"

Toots frowned. "You? Again??"

"Yeah," I said, pleased. "Pretty great, huh."

"Your legs are too skinny."

"Thanks. I've been cutting down on the carbs. Or I've been loading them."

We took our places at the dining table to get into some serious Eight Minute Empire, a complex strategy game designed to last up to eight minutes. Someone tried to come out with Seven Minute Empire, but everyone knows you can't build an empire in seven minutes. Ridiculous!

In the midst of our warmongering, a knock came at the door. It was the King Soopers delivery guy. I managed to catch him just as he was dropping my stuff and making to run off. I got a hold of his delivery lapels.

"You don't need to run," I said. "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL."

Sure, I coughed a little in his face. But I helped him wipe off the bloody phlegm and sent him on his way with a friendly chuckle.

"Should you have coughed in his face like that, uncle?"

"Ehn, he'll be fine. Where were we?"

With a sigh Toots told me about visiting her boyfriend, and how said boyfriend's parents watched over them on the back porch as they sat six feet apart. At one point they brought their chairs several millimeters closer, being naughty, and the mom and dad ran out to separate them again. The dad got out his tape measure to make sure the necessary distance was being complied with, and then wished the teenagers a "good time."

"So I assume you were reduced to air making out," I said. "Your faces were moving around as you tangled tongues six feet away. Looking through the window the parents probably thought you guys were having a seizure."

"When is this going to be over?"

I checked my non-existent watch. "In about six minutes. It's your move."

"No, I mean the quarantine. I'm sick of this."

"Who knows. At the rate I'm going I'll soon be eating the kleenex boxes I wear on my feet. And then what? I'll have to wear my urine jars? But then where will I pee?"

"In the toilet, uncle."

"Right, right. Is it my move?"

"You can't move there. You're cheating."

"Yeah. Heh heh. I have to admit there are some good things to all of this."

"Us spending time together?"

"Sure. But it's also nice not to look at people's ugly faces. I dread the day when we're not covering up anymore. Blecch. I took a walk the other day and all these people in masks were going by, and I wasn't wearing a mask, as usual. They looked as if they didn't even like me looking at them, as if my virus-saturated eyeballs were shooting infected rays at them. Man, that would be awesome. I could be a superhero. Covid Man, and his sidekick, Toilet Paper Boy."

"Uncle, can you stop talking? Please?"

"Actually, I wear a mask, but only in the shower. Because of the humidity. Hey, don't take my city. That's not nice."

"I just got all Frederick the Great on your French ass."

"You are a strange young lady. By the way, have you heard The Knack are getting back together?

"Erik Estrada on drums, ladies and gentlemen!"

They're doing a soft reboot of 'My Sharona' called 'My Corona.' Duh-nuhnuhnuh-nuh nuh nuh! Duh-nuh nuh nuh nuh... MY CO-RONA! MY MY MY... WHOO!"

Toots stared at me. "What's a knack?"

"You know, the rock and/or roll band from the early eighties. They were going to be the next Beatles."

"What's a Beatle?"

"Did you say what's a battle?"

"No, what's that rattle?"

"Just death, most likely. Did I win yet?"

"No," Toots said. She counted up the points. "I won!"

"Isn't that nice of your uncle to let you win like that?"

"Mm."

"Hey, let's have another contest. This one I know I can win at. Whoever eats the most Cheetos wins."

We started manically stuffing orange product into our faces. It was close, but I pulled away with several hundred at the end. I won, though in a more real way, I lost.

"Okay," I said, coughing an orange mist. "Nice having you over, young lady."

We bumped elbows. I waved to her from the balcony. Then I went back inside to change into my mask. There were people out there I had to infect, and then save.

"Toilet Paper Boy, get out here! We have adventures to go on!"

Toilet Paper Boy came out from hiding. "Do you think she thought you were just joking?"

I shrugged. I snapped off a limb of Toilet Paper Boy.

"Sorry," I said, heading for the bathroom. "Need it."