Yippy Skippy

I was skipping around the library. My movements were graceful, effortless--until I crashed into a table.

"GODDAMNIT."

I had been demonstrating to R. how to competently skip. We were on the topic because Karen was out for the day, and when R. learned the joyous news she jumped into the air and attempted to click her heels. That led to me putting on a skipping demonstration.

"Owww."

Jonah stood over me, fingering his Troyskite beardling. "Do you need to call the 'Ouch Line'?" he said, voice drained of all emotion or compassion for his fellow humans.

"The 'Owwie Line' would be more accurate, but no," I said, massaging my loins. "There's no hope for me. But now I need to take another nap."

"Okay, grandpa."

I had just been to the dentist and learned that my uvula was too big--and possibly affecting how much oxygen I was getting at night, hence my sleep apnea. I had no idea my uvula was so big. (Looks like I have a new pick-up line, eh, ladies??) They might need to surgically remove it along with my tonsils, my taint, and my dual carburetor. The dentist said that while the evidence was "anecdotal," there were indications that uvular surgery was sexy. She said she had discussed all this at her dental club.

"Dental club, huh," Jonah said, intrigued. "How do you get invited to one of those? Is that what they were doing in Eyes Wide Shut?"

"Lisa needs braces!"

Nearby in a segue, R. was practicing her skipping and heel-clicking. The entire staff of Ruby Creek was going to have a skip meeting, and it was important that we get ready. R. was still steamed about her fight with Karen the day before. They had been arguing about schedules when R., tired of fighting, finally agreed to whatever blither-blather Karen was aiming at her. Karen wasn't satisfied with the fact of mere agreement. She pointed at R. and asked imperiously, "What is that face?" R. shot back, "You are not the police of my face!"

Many of the staff had their own complaints. Todd had his iPad loaded full of Karen's crimes. He came into the workroom while I was showing off my uvula to Jonah.

"First your phone, and now this. I'm calling HR!"

"You know you like it," I said, with a complaisant sneer and a slap on Jonah's ass.

Todd stopped to marvel at my giant tongue. "It's frickin' huge," he said. He stopped Donovan. "Hey, check out Greg's tongue. It's insane."

"Yeah, it's eight inches," I said, rubbing lube on it and somehow still talking.

Donovan was flummoxed. "You should be on the cover on a magazine. Like Puff Daddy!"

"Mmm, mustache droppings..."

"Your tongue is worse than his."

"It's gross. Really gross."

"Um, could we get back on the topic of my monstrous uvula?"

Before Donovan returned to working (something weird he did), I wanted him to taste test a "greenie," something my mom had bought on QVC. It was a green tablet you dissolved in cold water that was the equivalent of two hundred million fields of kale (give or take). And tasted like toilet water. Donovan was skeptical but interested. We all stood around watching as he put his lips to the glass, a halo of green fizz enveloping his scared face--

"HEY," R. said/shouted. "COME ON. LET'S GO."

It was time for the skip meeting. We all marched solemnly to the conference room. And there we let Karen have it with out different styles of interpretive skipping. It was brutal...