Dicking Around

It was another glorious day at the library. I inhaled deep lungfuls of hantavirus-laden air, slapping my chest.

"Mmm!" I said. "I love the smell of router in the morning!"

"That's actually Libby's broccoli cooking in the microwave," Jonah said.

"Oh God. Where do we keep the hazmat suits...?"

"GREG," Karen tonelessly shrilled. "GREG."

"Yes!"

"Have you watched the sexual harassment video yet? It's on your transcript!"

"Oh, right. I'll tap that right away."

"?"

But first I had to check in the new holds. One of them was a movie called BANDIT HOUND.

"Oh yes oh yes," I said, moistening. "Lou Ferrigno? Verne Troyer?? JUDD NELSON?!?!? I must have it!!"

"What the hell is your problem," Jonah said in his heavy-lidded Anton LaVey style.

*sigh* What a dick...

"Just thinking of taking home a little treat for myself. I mean, look. This dog bursts into people's chests to steal their hearts and eat them, presumably. Then it takes your wallet, too!"

"Mm. I'm sick of this place. Karen is giving me bad dreams, and not in the good Lynchian dwarves-dancing sense."

"Yeah. I love Lynchian dwarf dancing. But in real life."

A lady came to the desk. She needed help with various issues. I could feel her hot stare as I dicked around with her account.

"You have really pretty blue eyes," she said.

"Ah... er... thanks!"

She smiled at me as I handed her her receipt. She kept smiling at me as she went out.

"I think that old lady is into you," Jonah said.

"She's probably attracted to my sweaty sexuality. I should bathe more, but... ehn."

Jonah still seemed blue despite my attempts at humorous banter. I talked about my latest painting where I depict myself beheaded, for laughs.

Head Games

But I struggled to operate my phone machine. The pictures on it weren't properly sliding to the next one. As I got more and more frustrated, Jonah offered to help the clueless old guy with his technodipshit problem.

"Ah, there we go."

The pictures were working again. However, some started coming that maybe-probably should have stayed in the vault. Mainly the one of my throbbing erect penis. Jonah jerked back as if shot with a .45 Luger.

"Ugghhaahhh! My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

"Uh... Uhh..." I quickly swiped away from the picture of my flaming flute, my face filling with blood instead. "Sorry. Pretend you didn't see that."

I tried to explain that my girlfriends sometimes made requests to see the most interesting part of my body and I had forgotten to delete my bulging beef whistle.

"Sorry, again."

"Now I have your swollen john burger burned on my retinas forever."

"What's going on here?" Karen said.

"Nothing! Nothing!" I flung my phone in the trash.

"Have you done the sexual harassment training yet?!?"

"I'm on it. I mean, I'm in it. I mean..."

I dialed up the training video. Up came the city attorney to talk about appropriate behavior and pictures in the workplace.

"Man, she's pretty hot," I said.

I looked around. Jonah was putting on his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"I quit. You can find someone else to retinally rape."

"Okay," I said cheerfully.

Who wants to work at the library? It's a place that will stimulate your mind... and your body. Heh heh heh.