Love Is In The Air, And On the Floor, Table, Windows, Etc

I came into the back workroom. Jonah was at the computer, engaged in quiet contemplation and scholarship.

"Just saw two guys in the conference room doin' the ol' slide whistle," I said.

"The what?" Jonah said.

"You know. The ol' paper tiger battle."

"Huh?"

"Do I have to spell it out? I'm talking about forkin' in the ol' Lucky Charms."

"You're going to have to spell it out."

"S-E-X," I said. "Come on, man. You need to update your lingo, get with these hot times we're livin' in."

"I hate livin'."

"Whoa. Wait a minute." I went to the bulletin board. It was a message from security about finding a particular message on Craig's List. There was a screenshot of the ad:

I leaned closer.

"Yep. That's our conference room upstairs. Little did I know it was a bordello up there. Maybe instead of the prosaic Conference Room B we should call it Caligula's Retreat?"

Jonah said nothing.

"Hm. I see this fella, athletic, 34, promises a safe hand job, but cannot provide security for the blowie. Is it because of all the choking?"

Jonah massaged his chest. "Oog," he said. "I'm not feeling so well."

"Yeah, I'm feeling triggered, too."

"No, my chest. Like a spasm or something."

"Is it an arrhythmia?" I said, as if knowingly.

"I don't know."

"How about if I punch you really hard in the chest? Of course, right as I punch you super hard Karen will come around the corner. I'll have to explain to her that this is the protocol for clerk training these days."

"If you find me face down on the keyboard with blood streaming out of my nose, you'll know I had a stroke."

"Sure. But do that on your own time."

"Actually, it might be anxiety. Karen keeps after me for making a Valentine's card."

I groaned. I had forgotten I was supposed to make a card for the children.

"Damn, I need to make one of those Get Well Soon cards, too."

"No, you idiot..." Jonah cringed. "Those kids have terminal illnesses."

"Oh, right. Do you have one, too?"

Jonah shot me a tragic look. His lips were pale. "I think... I might."

"Tell you what, Shotgun's is having a Large Lady Stripoff tonight. What say we head over there after work and blow off some hamster steam?"

"If you miss the large lady, then..."

"I think you need to downdate your slang."

"Ha, ha. Don't be so vermilion!"