Let's All Greet the New Guy (With Our Fists)

Jonah came over.

"So what do you think?"

"A lot," I said. "But I try to keep it to myself."

"I mean about Justron."

"Who?"

"Justron, our new shelver? Listen, I know you think he's a nice guy--but put all of that out of your head right now. It's our duty to haze him without mercy. I've been spraying shaving cream in his eyes, ha ha."

"Great. I remember when I got the ol' Eye Creamer back in the day. It really helped me grow as a person."

Todd came over.

"Did you see that? The new shelver has an iPhone 4. I mean, wha-at, bitch?"

"Good point," Jonah said. "Maybe we should put shaving cream in his iPhone!"

Karen came over.

"What about shaving cream?" she said. "What? WHAT?"

"Huh? Nothing, gotta go."

Jonah and Todd scattered like wind-borne foam (Gillette).

"Greg!" Karen whirled on me. "Did you finish the TSRP report?"

"Uh... sure."

Karen stood on one leg. Her MS was hurting her, and she wasn't sleeping well. Lately her daughter, Taley, was staying at her place because her apartment smelled like a dead mouse.

"Dead mouse is the hardest to get out. Has she tried ginger ale?"

"She wants to tell the landlord but she can't until she fixes where she punched holes in the walls."

"She's punching walls?"

"Yes, heh haw." Karen pivoted like a rodeo-trained weather vane. "Not yet! Not yet!"

Perplexed people pounded on the portal outside. The library didn't open for another hour.

"Suckers," I chortled, sinking further down in my chair so they wouldn't see me.

Karen went on spewing with her piranha mouth about stuff, things and whatnots--when we heard a voice yell.

"Miss Karen, I did a bad!"

Karen looked at me.

"Is that Justron?"

"Actually it sounds like the unlicensed voice of Jerry Lewis."

Karen unretracted her leg and hobbled Ahab-style for the back work room. I followed, hoping to get me a doubloon. In the break room we found our new shelver, Justron, standing beside the overflowing sudsing dishwasher.

"Dear God," I said, "did you put your shitty old iPhone in there?"

"Destroying city property is funny."

"Okay," Karen said. She smoothed her fingers across her lips. "So. I'm going to have Jonah take a picture of this so we can put it up next to the sex crimes. In the meantime, Justron, you're fired."

I shook my head as I watched Justron slump away.

"He slept, he stole, he ruined our dishwasher... He was the best damn shelver we ever had."