The Last Straw

Christmas is a time for giving, and what better way to celebrate the holidays than to give up on life? Having done so, I then proceeded to see the new Star War. Right off I'll admit that by far the best scene was when everyone got scrunched together and faced different, interesting directions. Because of the Force. Also, they shrunk Chewbacca down to fit on Leia's shoulder. What a great, compositionally balanced scene that was.

The rest of the movie is a pile of Wookiee leavings. I don't know what Wookiees leave, exactly, but it's probably not good. Also not good is Carrie Fisher's acting.

"I can't act my way out of my own casket." 

(Come on, she would have loved a joke like that. R-right?)

Helpfully, the movie has bad guys who favor dark colors. I guess their future is so bright that have to build stuff in shades?

"Wait, is that a step here? Careful. Whoa,

let me test this... Shit, everything is so black!"

Then there are the good guys. They are lighter in tone but not smarter in brains.

"I-I can't see anything!"

"It's because your eyes are closed!"

"Oh, right...."

The movie masterfully cuts back and forth between different scenes. For instance, sometimes we're here, other times we are elsewhere. Then in a third place (!) Kylo Ren buys a dark new condo and contemplates the view.

"My HOA meets every third Tuesday.

Heh heh, can't wait."

The movie then zips to the red light district where Wookiees get to sample very tiny Thai women, or so is my understanding of this random image I loaded.

"Just don't get it in my eyes, carpet boy."

Meanwhile, Supreme Commandant Leia sends postcards from the galaxy's edge asking for rates on acting classes. No one answers.

"Where's that collagen-injecting droid I ordered?" 

Just when it seems all is lost for the bad guys, they hire Marilyn Manson to take over the condo association. Everyone is ordered to pick up after their Wookiees, please.

"Must... not..... break into

maniacal laughter. Nnnggh."

Back in another place, Luke Skywalker realizes he left his wallet in his other Jedi robe. He hates it when that happens.

"Wait, did you say all mattresses are fifty percent off??"

In the end, the movie meanders quite a lot before settling on the main interest: Nien Nunb. He saves the galaxy and brings the Kung Pao chicken everyone was craving!! A perfect ending!!!

"Help! I can't breathe in this thing!!"