Local Idiot Terrorizes School Children

Politicians like to talk about people and their "hard-earned" money. They are clearly not talking about me. My money is very, very, very soft-earned. Except when I actually have to do something, which is WRONG. I mean, really, people?!?

My boss needed a fellow weirdo to horrify, er... encourage children at the local elementary to sign up for the summer reading program. I wrote up a skit and performed as CAPTAIN JACKASS.

(Tiny shield may make other objects appear giantly huge.)

Carol was quite nervous before our command performance. Crossing the street to the school, she let out a scream.

"WAAAACCGGHHH-OOOO!"

She had taken a tumble. She cut up her knee and got grit on her hands and arms. But she kept her can of Coke upright. Priorities! Tony and I helped her up.

"Are you okay?"

"Should we take you to the school nurse? Maybe they can put an Elmo bandaid on that...?"

"No, no, no," Carol said. "The show must go on!"

She blamed her tumble on her MS, saying she fell all the time and she felt horrible about it. I assured her that I fell also, and what was my excuse? Inside the school, we were told that the children, all three hundred of them, were going to gather in the cafeteria. We waded through the hallways crowded with tiny little people and twee furniture.

"Careful of the talent, people!" I said. "Make way...!"

Grumpy cafeteria workers were busy sweeping up apple bits and blasting caps. Then they cleared away the tables and the upchuck. We were ready to go on!

*elementary crickets*

The classes weren't ready. So we stood around outside, waiting... waiting... waiting...

"I'm just trying to grow as an actor," I said, fitting on my wig. "This is the big break I've always wanted..."

This naturally led to a discussion of: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWdztgMTctM

Primed, amped, and yet not jazzed for some reason, we finally went back in. Herds of children gaped and gawped and glared at me. I gooned back at them. I'm not sure who won. Maybe the Coast Guard....?

"OH NO!" I yelled in my best actor-y voice, shaking an actor-y fist. "I'VE LOST MY SUPERPOWERS!! I USED TO BE ABLE TO BLOG IN A HUMOROUS MANNER BUT NOW I CAN'T!!"

"That is debatable," Tony said with inimitable dryness.

"UH... QUIET, NON-BLOGGER! (Yeah, I told him.) BUT, CHILDREN, HOW CAN I GET MY SUPERPOWERS BACK?!"

Carol jumped in. "Children, children! Yell 'OH NO!'"

"OH NO!!!" they screamed.

"I KNOW WHAT!" I acted. "I'LL GET A VALU-MEAL AT MCDONALD'S! I MEAN, I'LL GO TO THE LIBRARY!!!"

Someone coughed in the back.

"READING IS FUN, ISN'T IT, KIDS?!?"

Tony stepped forward. "Tell them what they've won, Don Pardo..."

On the table we had displayed rubber ducks, Elitch passes, and free books. Carol took up one of the rubber ducks and ran out into the audience, squeaking the duck.

"RUBBER DUCKY! A RUBBER DUUUUCKY...!"

I shadowed her and mimed that she was crazy. And then Tony did it to me.

"Hey...!"

Then Carol read a story. After we dropped a cow, our skit was done. We all bowed under a shower of fish sticks.

On the way back Carol nearly killed us in car accident.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm just so high on kids!"

Thankfully, we weren't driving a white van. Mine was in the shop.