Facebook Fightin', Their Thumbs Were Fast As Lightnin'

Mom was concerned. She was afraid my new girlfriend was going to hurt me.

"The nipple clamps feel really good, Mom. That's the whole point."

Mom frowned. "How old is she again?"

"She's sixteen.... WAIT WAIT LET ME FINISH... and a half."

"I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy."

"I just want you to be happy."

"Mom...?"

"I just want you to be happy."

I went over and slapped Mom on the top of her head. Hard. She belched, and then sank deeper into her lazyboy.

"I'm praying for you," she said. On her stack of Bible study guides were magazines about Caitlyn Jenner. "I'm praying for everyone very hard."

"Careful, you might pull a prayer muscle. Make sure you do a stretch-prayer first."

"Did you hear about Kim Shaak? She died."

"Yes, Mom. I know."

For some inexplicable reason, Mom was friends with Kim Shaak on facebook. A few weeks ago I was helping her with facebook on her phone and, among her 12 friends, was Kim Shaak. Mom had no idea who Kim was or why she was her friend. I explained that becoming friends on facebook was volitional. It didn't just happen accidentally. She had sent the request, or Kim had sent one to her. Or Jesus did. CSI was currently on the case trying to figure it all out. It was going to be a very special, and very confusing, episode.

"And who is Josie Kenner?" Mom had her phone out.

"I have no idea."

"I'm friends with this person and I don't know who they are!"

"Here, Mom. Let me see..."

I took her phone and went through her account. Mom was getting stressed keeping track of her 12, now 11, friends. It was my job to help her.

"Here, we can defriend her then, if you don't know her."

"No, no! Wait. Don't touch it. Here. Give it to me."

"I've got it, Mom."

"No! I don't want you--"

"Mom, please--!"

We wrestled and rolled around with the phone. It finally squirted free and plopped into the dog's water dish. Sploosh.

"OH NO!!"

"I've got it, I've got it!"

I dried the phone off. It seemed to be working. But Mom wasn't happy. She shook her head over it.

"Why doesn't God just take me now?" she groaned.

"Because he's not through torturing you yet. It's in the Bible."

Mom was quiet. Water dripped off the phone.

"I'll pray for you, Mom."

She grimaced. "Don't you dare!"